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Bitcoin is like a stubborn donkey, still stuck under 60% resistance. And it’s lost $230 billion, which is like losing your entire savings and then some. 🐴💸

The wise ones, the observers, gaze upon Binance’s billion-dollar dashboard and see not just numbers, but omens of dubious activity. Tokens like ORB and SHIELD, once mere players in the crypto arena, are now accused of being pawns in a grand scheme to inflate trading volume, a spectacle of demand where none truly exists. 🎩+

This grotesque inflation of price is a spectacle we have witnessed before. The same token had once flown high on the vaporous breath of a politician’s deleted utterance, creating a market worth billions for a fleeting moment before collapsing into nothingness, erasing the fortunes of countless souls. And now, like a phoenix from the ashes of its own folly, it attempts flight once more.

So here’s the tea ☕: On Aug. 21, Binance casually dropped the bombshell that it had helped India’s Narcotics Control Bureau (NCB) and the Data Security Council of India (DSCI) take down “Ketamelon,” the country’s most sophisticated darknet-driven drug network. Spoiler alert: it’s not as fruity as the name suggests 🍉. The brains behind this operation? A former Kerala-based engineer named Edison Babu. Who knew engineering degrees could lead to such… creative career paths? 🤷‍♂️

Word on the street (or rather, a Reuters report) is that Asia’s high-rollers are throwing their money into crypto faster than a wizard throws fireballs. 🔥 Jason Huang, the mastermind behind Nextgen Digital Venture, bragged that his shiny new crypto fund in Singapore snagged over $100 million in a blink. UBS, never one to miss a gravy train, chimed in with tales of Chinese family offices earmarking 5% of their treasure chests for crypto. Lu Zijie, UBS China’s wealth guru, quipped:

These digital shenanigans-investment cons, phishing dens, and dubious advertisements-have been met with the swift hand of justice. Deputy Chair Sarah Court, in a tone both solemn and resolute, declared that social media ads shall now be scrutinized with the same fervor as a gentleman’s pocketbook at a country ball.

The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has taken a break from its usual chaos to declare that crypto innovators can keep coding without fear-unless they’re trying to fund a galactic empire. At the American Innovation Project Summit in Jackson, Wyoming, on Aug. 21, 2025, Acting Assistant Attorney General Matthew R. Galeotti delivered a speech so thrilling, it made a spreadsheet weep. 🧠

She shares with the press, as if revealing a gem forgotten in the dirt, her expectation of a wild leap-one that may take Bitcoin to a staggering $175,000 by year’s end. Yes, you heard right! That figure, she claims, is merely the ‘conservative’ number amongst the soaring dreams of those who fancy themselves oracle-like in their predictions. 🤑

Pompliano sat down with CNBC, having traded his wizard’s hat for a suit, and pronounced that once traders remember where they left their crypto tabs (presumably under piles of forgotten avocado toast), the King of Coins may rise again. The prophecy is thus: “Right now at $110,000, it’s pretty oversold.” (Somewhere, a decimal gasped and fainted).

In a recent thread on X (formerly known as Twitter, because why not change names like we change socks?), MetaMask announced that they’re teaming up with the payments platform Stripe and the stablecoin minter M0. Together, they’re concocting something called MetaMask USD (mUSD). It’s set to launch sometime later this year, though if you’re hoping for a specific date, you might as well start a countdown to the next lunar eclipse instead. 🌒