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Avalanche [AVAX] has been stuck in a sort of triangular time-out for months, squeezed tighter than a beetle in a biscuit tin. Honestly, it’s been rather dull. 😴

The debate in Brazil isn’t about whether fruit flies can vote as much as it is about if Bitcoin can serve as a reserve asset. Introduced during a somewhat amusingly earnest public congressional hearing, the proposal was for Bill 4501/2024, which, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, proposed allowing Brazil’s central bank to buy up to a chess-piece-worth of Bitcoin (5%, but don’t worry about the measurements, in the world of central banking, they’re all relative).

Since the start of August, Ether (ETH) has strutted up 25% like a peacock at a pigeon convention. But before you start planning your Lamborghini purchase, consider this: historical data is whispering (or maybe shouting) that September could bring a downturn. Of course, whispers from history are about as reliable as a cat promising not to knock anything off the table. Only time-and possibly spot Ether ETFs-will tell if this year flips the script. 📉🚗

VanEck, a $133B asset manager, has become the first issuer to apply for a JitoSOL ETF with the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission). Bless their hearts, they’re trying to make staking as easy as pie, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 🧩

In a rather audacious display, Bio Protocol [BIO] has gallantly surged by a staggering 131% in the past week, and just to keep the excitement alive, it’s up another 14.2% in the last 24 hours. However, our dear token has faced a bit of a hiccup at the $0.268 resistance level, but fear not, the higher timeframe outlook remains as bullish as a stampede of well-fed cattle. 🐂

The oracle that is Coinspeaker claims Cardano whales (not an aquatic mammal, alas, but desultory rich folk) greedily snaffled up 150 million ADA over a fortnight. Whether this caused indigestion in the market or merely a belch remains unclear. Recent machinations find Cardano gadding about between $0.92 and $0.95, with buyers heroically defending lower levels, like stately butlers wrestling with an unruly cucumber sandwich. The $0.85 region has become a fashionable salon for bargain hunters, each swoop down greeted by a brisk round of buying worthy of a Covent Garden crowd.

Guess who’s back? AAVE [AAVE] flexed its muscles and broke through the $300 barrier this week. Experts (AKA me) are calling it-next stop, $400! But don’t pop the champagne yet, this is where things took a detour in December 2024. Keep those seatbelts fastened, folks. 🍾

So, the DOJ drops the transcripts of their chat with Ghislaine, and it’s spicier than a plate of Mel’s Spaceballs schnitzel! 🥘 She’s all, “Epstein’s death? Fishy like a gefilte fish factory!” 🐟 When asked if it was murder, she’s like, “If it was, it was an inside job-like my dad’s spy pals!” 🤫 But Epstein? “Nah, he wasn’t in the club.” And that blackmail list? “Fake news, darling!” 📰

“Bunch of XRP ETF filings being updated by issuers today. Almost certainly due to feedback from [the] SEC. Good sign, but also mostly expected.” 🕵️‍♂️📜

According to the venerable sages of Glassnode, Bitcoin’s UTXO Realized Price Distribution (a fancy way of saying where investors last bought or sold) reveals a mountain of coins-over 1.15 million BTC-clustered tightly in the sacred range of $104,000 to $108,000. Like a flock of loyal peasants gathered around their lord’s castle, these investors seem to believe this zone is the unassailable fortress of safety. Should the market stumble like a drunken peasant at a banquet, this support may serve as the last line of defense, the true bedrock of hope 🛡️.