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The whispers in the wings suggest their dreams of Hong Kong or Middle Eastern listings have been sent packing—perhaps to the land of lost socks and broken SPACs.

Rekt Capital, the pseudonymous trading genius with over half a million followers on X (that’s Twitter, for those of us who aren’t on the cutting edge of lingo), says that Bitcoin’s next big hurdle is smashing through that pesky $105,000 resistance. Once that happens? Well, apparently, all bets are off, and Bitcoin will be in full-on price discovery mode. Sounds fancy, huh? Essentially, it’s like Bitcoin going on a trip to parts unknown—where the sky’s the limit, or at least, *way* beyond $105,000.

The weekly S&P 500 chart tells the sort of heartwarming redemption tale Hollywood can only dream of—despair, drama, and that sweet, sweet rally. When President Trump placed tariffs on anything more animate than a potted plant, the index sulked to the depths, only to bounce higher than a caffeinated kangaroo: another 3.26%! The S&P now sits at 5,844 points, inching toward the lofty 6,000 mark.

Will the market’s optimism overcome the suspicion that equities now cost more than the Mona Lisa’s insurance premium? Place your wagers, gentlefolk!

Should XRP tumble below this $2.50 line, don’t expect adulation or gentle hands—no, it’ll be an unceremonious slide to $2.42, that most uninspired of prices. A fall so predictable you can almost hear the groan from the telegram chatrooms.

Ethereum, after an extended period loitering melancholically below $2,400, has shaken off the existential malaise and launched itself upward by 38.2%. That’s right, 38.2%—a number so oddly specific it sounds made up, but apparently, math has its own sense of whimsy. ETH is now swaggering above $2,400 like someone who’s just remembered where they parked their car. Meanwhile, the shadowy specter of its 2021 all-time high at $4,878 looms ahead, like the improbably expensive house no one dares to Google.

Take last week, for example, when Ethereum made a rather surprising leap, rising nearly 40%—from a humble $1,800 to a dazzling $2,500. Yet, despite this impressive surge, its DeFi market has taken a nosedive, dropping a staggering 88% from its peak. Meanwhile, the ever-energetic Solana has stolen the spotlight, flaunting lower fees and faster speeds, making it the darling of the crypto crowd.

Monday’s charts carried a poetic violence: XRP, bold as Dostoyevsky’s gambler, leapfrogged Tether and seized the bronze from the Olympic podium of market capitalization. The ticker, fiery as a balalaika solo, blinked $150 billion—though as market tempests returned, XRP only gave a muted sigh and clung to its $2.47 perch, refusing to be washed away in Bitcoin’s melodrama.

He looked straight into the camera, his tie twitching in the breeze of televised patriotism, and spoke like a man watching a levee about to give:

“Well, folks, America’s got to look after her own hide. That ain’t trade talk—it’s survival. Ask yourself where your penicillin comes from. China—every last pill. The stuff that keeps you from meeting your maker early. Medical ingredients? Same boat, 80 or 90 percent of them. Statistically, your granny’s heart pills just might owe their existence to a factory somewhere outside Beijing.”

Atkins declared the SEC would prioritize formal rulemaking over the old-school “random lawsuits like angry bees” method. This dramatic pivot is positioned to restore clarity (or at least confuse people in a whole new way) and “encourage responsible innovation”—also known as allowing people to invent things without automatically being chased by an army of lawyers in ill-fitting suits.

trading volume (breathtaking), volatility (heart-pounding), dominance (ever-so-competitive), social media sentiment (loud as a drunk in a casino), and naturally, Google Trends (because where else does one go for wisdom these days?).