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As of the end of March, Semler was crouched atop a pile of roughly 3,192 Bitcoins—because who needs stethoscopes when you can hoard internet money? They bagged 894 more coins with a $90.7 million shopping spree during the quarter. By May 12, they’d added another 616 Bitcoins, bringing their total horde to a stomach-churning 3,808. Picture a dragon, but instead of gold, they sleep on volatile digital assets and quarterly earnings reports. 🐉💰

Solana’s $10.9 billion TVL just left Ethereum’s Layer-2 ecosystem eating its dust. 😏

Presently, the stablecoin jamboree boasts a $240 billion shindig—presided over by Tether’s USDT ($145B, the loud uncle of the family) and Circle’s USDC ($60B, more like the slightly richer cousin). But according to Citi, this bash could balloon to $1.6 trillion by 2030, or, should we all get incredibly optimistic and the wind be blowing just right, $3.7 trillion. That would leave today’s $3.45 trillion crypto market cap looking positively sheepish in the corner. 🐑

“Institution of proceedings is appropriate at this time in view of the legal and policy issues raised by the proposed rule change. Institution of proceedings does not indicate that the commission has reached any conclusion with respect to any of the issues involved,” the announcement deadpanned, presumably unable to locate the ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ buttons on its keyboard.

In the manner of someone announcing the invention of the wheel, Coinbase’s chief financial wizard, Alesia Haas, declared this event a sign that the crypto industry has matured from its wild youth—sort of like a reformed hooligan suddenly being offered a seat in the House of Lords.

This grand enterprise isn’t meant for the man on the Clapham omnibus. Oh no, it’s curiously tailored for institutional sorts—hedge funders with more acronyms than socks, asset managers who sail yachts named “Alpha,” and those mysterious proprietary traders who always seem to know things they shouldn’t. The idea? To provide a fortress of transparency and security where one may frolic about trading Bitcoin index futures and options without the anxiety attacks usually reserved for watching England’s penalty shootouts. ⚽💸

The valiant ETH, bedraggled and stamped upon, has flung itself upward—behold, numbers such as $2,800 and even $12,000 have been uttered by the soothsayers. Some reckon it echoes the fabled leap of BTC after the pestilence, which, incidentally, did not care for anyone’s feelings either.