jpyxx

Ethereum strutted past $2,550, whistling a cheeky tune and overtaking Bitcoin like a racehorse with a jetpack. Then, whoosh—it soared right over $2,620, breaking resistance! Picture an overenthusiastic kangaroo at a coin toss. And let’s not forget the chart—ETH’s bulls sent the price flying over $2,700, forming a nose-bleed-inducing high at $2,736 before pausing for tea and a correction.

Picture this: SEC Chair Paul Atkins, armed with a microphone and a notepad, holding a “crypto roundtable.” There’s probably donuts. He’s talking a big game on regulating crypto: he’s putting issuance, custody, and trading in the spotlight. Or as I like to call it: “The Three Things That Will Give You a Migraine Before Lunch.”
He starts off by insulting the SEC’s previous approach: “neglectful and antagonistic.” It’s like admitting you set your own kitchen on fire, but, hey, at least now you’re holding the hose. Atkins claims he’s finally bringing a “rational and innovation-compatible strategy.” I haven’t heard that kind of optimism since my uncle Morty bet everything on Beanie Babies.

On May 9, Tether made the bold move of snagging 4,812.2 BTC at a nifty price of $95,319 each, and they shoved it all into an escrow wallet. The news came from Cantor’s SEC filing on May 13. Because nothing says ‘we’re serious’ like a press release from the SEC, right?

In a dazzling pantomime of fiscal flirtation, eToro has coaxed $310 million from investors—who, rumour has it, queued up far past the marble steps, eager to become, if not richer, then at least more interesting at cocktail parties. The platform managed to offload 6 million shares, thus confirming that hope (and possibly delusion) spring eternal.

“Look!” cry the peasants, armed with the arcane ukases known as Coinglass and IntoTheBlock. “See how it does nothing, yet everything happens!” What is idleness to most is theater to the cryptically-inclined.

As of the end of March, Semler was crouched atop a pile of roughly 3,192 Bitcoins—because who needs stethoscopes when you can hoard internet money? They bagged 894 more coins with a $90.7 million shopping spree during the quarter. By May 12, they’d added another 616 Bitcoins, bringing their total horde to a stomach-churning 3,808. Picture a dragon, but instead of gold, they sleep on volatile digital assets and quarterly earnings reports. 🐉💰

Solana’s $10.9 billion TVL just left Ethereum’s Layer-2 ecosystem eating its dust. 😏