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With no more ceremony than the arrival of spring mud in St. Petersburg, Antalpha Platform (the highly esteemed lending hand to Bitmain, who wouldn’t lend to a distant cousin without collateral) trumpeted the start of its IPO roadshow. The prospect: 3,850,000 shares—each as ordinary as a magistrate’s luncheon, yet expected to fetch between $11.00 and $13.00 apiece.

“You shouldn’t have to sell the best-performing asset in human history to access cash,” Mallers proclaimed on X, recognizing, perhaps, the cruel irony of modern existence. Why trade tomorrow for today? Why part with your digital treasure, your asset of feverish hopes and crushed late-night FOMO, just for a few grubby dollars? Now, thanks to the miracle of lending, you can have your hodl and eat it too. 🍰

The Justice Department, ever the harbinger of theatrical flourishes, rolled out a proclamation on May 5—nay, not with trumpets, but with tragic tidings! The KNA, it seems, has taken to “pig butchering,” a most unseemly dating ritual wherein every courtship ends not in marriage but in maxed-out credit cards. For months, these digital Don Juans whisper sweet nothings to their victims, only to steer them into crypto-investment abattoirs. Pity the Americans—$5.5 billion lighter in the purse, and even lighter in love!

And, as if that wasn’t enough excitement, Citibank will take on the role of both custodian and issuer agent for tokenized late-stage pre-IPO equities. It’s like they’ve decided to play the role of the gatekeeper for the exclusive pre-IPO club. No velvet ropes here, just some highly regulated blockchain magic.

The firm, better known for its energy storage and management wizardry, didn’t just casually dip a toe into the world of digital currencies. No, no, they’ve splashed out around $69 million on their Bitcoin stash, at an average price of a tidy $96,342 per coin. Pocket change, really, if you’re in the right circles. 💸

“These purchases directly strengthen our three-pillar strategy of enterprise-grade validators, strategic SOL holdings, and Solana technology innovation,” said Leah Wald, Chief Executive Officer of SOL Strategies, sounding like she’s ready to take on the world.

Meanwhile, Tron’s hanging around at $0.24, down 2%—so, basically, no one’s impressing anyone here. Market cap is $23.2 billion. The difference between the two? $1.6 billion. That’s like arguing over loose change at this point, but crypto people will make it sound dramatic.

He sat down with NBC News, who probably resisted the urge to slip him a business card for tax attorneys, and explained with his signature subtlety: “I’m not profiting from anything. All I’m doing is… I started this long before the election.” (I would like to point out that most sentences beginning with “All I’m doing is…” have never ended with good news and are often followed by “relax, officer.”)

Riot Platforms has officially sold bitcoin for the first time in over a year. What a time to be alive. The move signals a shift in their strategy as mining economics get tighter after that little thing called the halving. In April, they sold 475 BTC, which pulled in around $38.8 million. Not bad, but not enough to retire to a tropical island just yet.

But wait, Season 2 has arrived, and it’s not just about furiously tapping anymore. Now, you’ve got combination cards and GameDev cipher codes to deal with. So, if you’ve been living under a rock (or in a hamster ball), you’re in for a whole new layer of strategy. Because why just tap when you can *strategize* and make your hamster earn you even more imaginary money? 🎮💰