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With a flourish reminiscent of a magician extracting a suspiciously large rabbit from an equally suspicious hat, Bitplanet has announced a platform so “institutional-grade” it might even make a Swiss banker blush-no debt, no IOUs, no tearful phone calls to creditors at 3am. The transformation from SGA to Bitplanet is the sort of strategic rebrand that signals less “new direction” and more “midlife crisis” but, in this case, also captures South Korea’s sudden flirtation with the sultry siren of digital assets.

Let’s break this down into bite-sized pieces of cosmic weirdness:

“BREAKING: Dogecoin Hashrate has just hit an all-time high!” 🚨

Yet, like the fabled Anna Karenina, the Ethereum villagers who placed their trust in slim liquidity and rapid speculation found themselves at the mercy of the market’s capricious whims. The insiders and whales, much like the ancient nobility of yesteryear’s Russia, extracted fortunes, leaving behind a trail of tears and financial ruin. As the token’s worth plummeted to $544.9 million, a sense of despair echoed through the ether, a melancholy not unlike that in Tolstoy’s “The Death of Ivan Ilyich”.

Word travels faster than a Hong Kong tram-two local dignitaries, Yip Chee-hang of the Securities and the illustrious Johnny Ng, ghosted from the crypto soirée faster than you can say “regulation,” all after someone dared to list Eric Trump, son of the Big Man himself, as a speaker. No, not this Eric-although one might wonder if that version is more charming.

US Treasury, ever the hero of the hour, has sanctioned three individuals and two companies for… helping North Korean IT workers steal crypto. Because nothing says “we’re on top of it” like a slap on the wrist. 🤡

In the fever-dream of late July, XRP attempted to don the garb of a savior, forming an inverse head and shoulders pattern-a structure so overused it might as well be a capitalist’s parable. Alas, the price, like a jilted lover, broke higher only to falter, its momentum dissolving into the ether of unmet expectations. BitGuru, that oracle of on-chain despair, declared the pattern’s failure with the solemnity of a funeral march.

This latest acquisition is part of their grand “10-Year Plan,” a phrase that sounds both intimidating and slightly dystopian 😅. Since their IPO debut in April 2025 (a year where we were all promised flying cars, but alas, we got Bitcoin instead 🚗✈️), the company has been accumulating Bitcoin faster than a squirrel hoarding acorns for winter 🌰. They’ve dubbed Bitcoin a “store of value,” which, to the layman, translates to “we’re not selling this stuff anytime soon.” 💎

Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant-land of crypto, stood IP-a token that’s been the star of this circus lately. It’s basically gone turbo: up over 10% in a single sunrise, and its financial backbone, the TVL, had the audacity to climb 12%, surpassing $25.5 million. Someone, somewhere, must be getting rich-probably a toddler with a shovel of Legos, or a trader with a keyboard. Either way, deeper pockets are fueling this ride. 🎢💸

Surveyors from Censuswide must’ve been feeling cozy that June week when they rustled up opinions from 2,000 souls. More than four in five folks hold pensions that tally up to about £3.8 trillion ($5.10 trillion) of cheddar. Picture it-a right good bunch, if a good slice of it scampered over to crypto, tipping their caps would be markets for sure.