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Meanwhile, the cryptocurrency market, ever the fickle mistress, has succumbed to renewed selling pressure, a tempest born of futures liquidations and the murmurs of unease surrounding US corporate earnings. The stock market, too, has joined the chorus of despair, as tech stocks plunge and the “Magnificent Seven” are cast into the shadows. Experian, London Stock Exchange Group, and Thomson Reuters-once pillars of stability-now lie in ruins, their declines a harbinger of broader turmoil. Advanced Micro Devices, with its disappointing forecast, has added fuel to the fire, sending waves of panic across the software sector. A comedy of errors, indeed, played out on the grand stage of capitalism.

Enter Michaël van de Poppe, the crypto whisperer, who’s like, “Yeah, Bitcoin swept the April lows, and the volume spiked harder than my coffee intake on Mondays.” Apparently, this means people were selling like their lives depended on it-classic capitulation. Oh, and the US government shutdown ended right after, because timing is everything, right?

Yes, apparently Solana could reach $2,000 by 2030. The sparkly dream, if you squint and ignore the candles on the price chart. Price dips and downturns are, apparently, just part of crypto’s stand-up routine. The real value, according to the bank, is in network usage, not yesterday’s tweetstorm.

Reports suggest Ardoino is recalibrating the company’s venture allocations. In an interview with Cointelegraph, the stablecoin giant indicated a misreading of the $20B funding plan, but stood by a lofty $500B valuation. That signals a drift from aggressive expansion into AI and data mining toward a more defensive consolidation of liquidity reserves.

A sell-off bloomed in the wake of the account breach, pushing prices lower with a sigh of melodrama. Yet once the miscreant’s siren was mended and control restored, prices rebounded with a rapid, brisk flourish.

The network is buzzing, but the broader market is about as stable as a three-legged chair. Still, Dogecoin enthusiasts are acting like they’ve discovered the Fountain of Youth, when in reality, they’ve just found a slightly less stale puddle. Activity, they say, is the new black. But let’s be honest: activity without direction is just a dog chasing its tail. Cute, but ultimately pointless.

On Monday’s digital parchment, the analyst CasiTrades, with the poise of a virtuoso naming every key, declared XRP pressed its lips to a Golden Pocket, drawing eyes toward a W4 relief bounce that might usher a rally to $2.50. She unfurled a meticulous Elliott Wave chart, noting a flush into the Golden Pocket near the 0.618 Fibonacci notch around $1.93, while aligning with the 1.618 Extension for Wave 3-an outcome she calls “textbook,” which is culinary jargon for something a tad too tidy for appetite and perhaps a hint of mischief.

In a recent post on X, Zhao warned users about this AI-powered scheme that’s trying to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. As if the internet wasn’t already a hotbed of deception, right? He pointed out the offending account was using a photo of him at a BNB Chain event in Korea as its profile pic-how original!

Total crypto market capitalization has dropped to $2.58 trillion-down 2% today, because nothing says “confidence” like watching your portfolio evaporate before lunch.

At the helm of this critical chorus stands Attorney General Letitia James, flanked by a quartet of district attorneys, including the ever-punctilious Alvin Bragg. They have penned a letter to Congress, deeming the GENIUS Act-ostensibly a paragon of stablecoin regulation-a woeful failure in its duty to shield the innocent from financial mischief. With the gravity of a society matron critiquing a poorly arranged ballroom, they argue the law bestows an “imprimatur of legitimacy” upon stablecoins while allowing their issuers to evade the very obligations that might curb the nefarious activities of terrorism financiers, drug traffickers, and the most odious of all, cryptocurrency scoundrels.