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According to Hacken (who, presumably, get paid to tell us this sort of depressing news), it’s all down to old, clunky code, terrible access control (seriously, who’s letting *anyone* in?), and now… AI. Because of course it’s AI. Everything’s AI’s fault these days. It’s like the robots are deliberately trying to steal our digital pennies. 🤖

Franklin OnChain US Government Money Fund | RWA.xyz

The noble SHIB seemed poised for one of those glorious parades one hears about in the tales of old—its volume crested in mid-July, breaking the elusive 200 EMA like an overenthusiastic dancer at a wedding. But lo and behold! As it pranced joyfully towards the resistance zone at $0.0000155, a sudden gust of selling pressure knocked it off its feet. A multi-day sell-off ensued, brutal enough to make the harshest of critique sound like a gentle whisper. Who knew that volatility could cut through support levels like a hot knife through butter? 🍰

Behold the chart, a tapestry of numbers where Tether’s market cap, a green serpent, coils around Bitcoin’s price, an orange flame. Mallers, with the gravity of a seer, proclaimed that to fuel the growth of stablecoins, one must first ignite Bitcoin’s embers. For in the vaults of Tether, the US Treasury’s treasures slumber, and a swelling tide of stablecoins would drown the nation’s debt in a sea of demand.

Guo Jiakun, the spokesperson whose name alone sounds like a villain from a spy novel, informed CNN that this little ‘inconvenience’ stems from Ms. Mao’s involvement in a “criminal case.” A criminal case! One shudders to think what dark deeds could have ensnared a pillar of the financial community. Perhaps she was caught haggling too aggressively at a tea market? Or dared to question the proper angle of a pagoda? The possibilities, naturally, are endless.

At present, ADA wobbles at $0.82, like a drunkard trying to walk a straight line. Nick, ever the optimist, insists this is merely a “fourth-wave retracement” (whatever that means). But should ADA plunge below $0.73, well, then even Nick’s most fervent hopes will crumble like a stale biscuit. He has also, with great solemnity, marked a “fair value gap” between $0.78 and $0.79—a sacred zone where ADA must kneel and pray for mercy. 🙏

At present, Toncoin teeters precariously around $3.14, clinging to life above key moving averages. Yet, technical indicators gleam with warnings of mounting selling pressure near that stubborn upper resistance. Those elongated wicks on the 4-hour chart resemble candles flickering in a storm, signaling profit-taking so aggressive it could make a Wall Street trader blush. 📉

MicroStrategy’s grand vision is to amass 1 million BTC, because why stop when you’re already knee-deep in cryptographic chaos? With Bitcoin recently hitting an all-time high (again), one might think they’d take a breather. But no, this company doesn’t do breaks—it does bold, audacious gambles instead. After all, who needs moderation when you can have maximalism? 🚀📈

This growth isn’t just some flash-in-the-pan trend or a crypto influencer’s fever dream. No, no. According to Pumpius—a commentator who seems to know more about blockchains than most of us know about our own bank accounts—this surge reflects real institutional adoption. Banks, fintech firms, and private companies are quietly tokenizing bonds, real estate titles, and commodities faster than you can say “blockchain.” And they’re doing it all on the XRPL.

Toncoin (TON) is still clinging to that $2.87 love handle, like a contestant on a reality show fighting for that final rose. Last we checked, TON was prancing around at $3.14, after a 5% tumble in the last 24 hours. It’s down 4% for the week, which is just enough to make a basket of sad potatoes! 🥔💔