jpyxx Germany’s Deutsche Börse, that grizzled old titan of the financial world, has finally taken off its top hat and shuffled its boots into the digital realm. Why? Because even dinosaurs need to chase crypto trends before they go extinct. 🦕
Powered by Trade.xyz, a fancy layer on Hyperliquid that’s busy giving everyone the keys to the kingdom, traders can now buy perpetuals on Google at $286.78 (with a staggering $5.25 million traded in a day), and Amazon at $224.21 (about half a million traded – yawn). If you enjoy live numbers, it’s a bit like watching the stock ticker in a Vegas casino – but with more digital risk and less elegance.
With this precious blessing, over half a billion investors spread across 30 countries are now free to get their hands on U.S. stocks and ETFs directly via the blockchain. According to the press release (because who wouldn’t want to read it), this approval comes via a European passporting system, which means it’s all as legit as your grandma’s stamp collection. Ondo now has the green light to offer a “safe” and “regulated” way for retail investors in Iceland, Liechtenstein, and Norway (bless their hearts) to trade tokenized financial products. So much for keeping the old world simple.
In a Tuesday notice, the OCC said US banks were allowed to hold crypto on their balance sheets to pay network, or gas fees, provided the transactions were for permissible activities. Oh, right, because nothing says “permissible” like paying fees with digital assets. 🤷♀️
With 10x leverage, it’s a tightrope walk between $792-$810. 5x leverage? More like $864-$900. Spoiler: it’s not looking great. 🤡
In this farcical roundup, we present the most user-friendly crypto tax tools, from simpletons’ calculators to platforms so advanced, they’d make Diogenes weep. 🧐📊
A widespread problem with Cloudflare on Tuesday caused disruptions for many websites, including popular crypto platforms and X (formerly Twitter). Some users couldn’t access these sites at all. The cryptocurrency Toncoin was also significantly affected, and sites like Arbitrum’s Arbiscan and DefiLlama experienced temporary errors. People who tried to access these services saw messages indicating the issue was due to a problem with Cloudflare’s servers.
Another ballet of capitulation 🩸
65,200 BTC pirouetted to exchanges, dancing with losses.
Lo, in a move that would make even the most stoic Cossack weep with joy, the great empires of Mastercard, Polygon, and Mercuryo have joined forces. Their noble quest? To bestow upon us mortals the sacred gift of “Crypto Credentials”-verified aliases that shall rid our lives of the tyranny of hexadecimal strings. One can only wonder if the architects of this system have ever met a keyboard, for their solution is as elegant as a babushka’s knitting. 🧶
Market volatility returns, and with it, the eternal question: Will Bitcoin crash again? While headlines scream about price, the real drama lies in Bitcoin’s network-a relic of the 2008 financial crisis, now struggling to keep up with 2025’s frenetic pace. 🕰️
