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Decentralized perpetuals exchange gTrade has delivered its magnum opus: version 10, or as the insiders call it, v10-so significant it might as well be an upgrade from the dawn of trading itself. The pièce de résistance? A funding fee model replacing the dull, bureaucratic borrowing fees, crafted explicitly to boost scalability and-dare we say-support more daring trading capers like swing trading, arbitrage, and hedging, because who needs boring? 🍸

Martinez, a sage of numbers, warns that the recent dip below the 14-week moving average on Bitcoin’s chart is nothing less than a herald of impending disaster-a harbinger of a 24-26% decline, if history’s cruel lessons are to be believed. For those who trust the sacred Relative Strength Index, it signals waning fervor among the faithful, a sign that the current rally may be but a fleeting illusion in the vast desert of greed and despair. Truly, when the RSI shows its teeth, it doesn’t just bite-it devours hopes.

Coinbase decided to spice things up with some fresh listings, including Mamo (MAMO), Euler (EUL), Succinct (PROVE), and Towns Protocol (TOWNS). Meanwhile, Robinhood, not to be outdone, joined the altcoin party by introducing Bonk (BONK), Pudgy Penguins (PENGU), Peanut the Squirrel (PNUT), and Stellar (XLM) on their Robinhood Legend platform. Who knew altcoins could be so… adorable?

Oh, Spark protocol [SPK], you cheeky little firecracker 🔥, you’ve gone and shot up 280% in the past month thanks to a staking craze that makes people act like they’ve discovered free money. And let’s not forget the shout-out from Coinbase’s CEO, Brian Armstrong, who probably muttered something nice about it while sipping his third cold brew of the morning.

So, here we are, folks, in a world where the idea of gold backing our dollars sounds almost reasonable. Ray Dalio, the guy who made a fortune figuring out how to make even more money, dropped some wisdom on the internet (yes, that place where everyone is an expert now). On Aug. 5, he posted something that made my eyebrows raise and my coffee spill:

Apparently, Trump’s team is racing to whip something out in the next few days, with intentions to prod regulators into snooping into banks accused of chopping off customers based on their political leanings or crypto interests. Picture that: a federal inspector knocking on your bank’s door to see if they’re unfairly discriminating. The order aims to tangle banks up with questions about the ever-fickle laws like the Equal Credit Opportunity Act, anti-trust statutes, and everything in between. The result? Banks might be slapped with hefty fines, stern “please do better” decrees, or other penalties that are about as subtle as a sledgehammer. 🎯

Q4, that season of yuletide cheer and bullish fervor, has historically been Bitcoin’s favorite dance partner. Will this year’s quadrille include a grand jeté to $200K? Only time will tell, though the market’s whims are as unpredictable as a penguin on roller skates. 🐧

Flare, that full-stack layer 1 solution for the data-intensive set, trotted out Luminite on the 5th of August. Described as “the first Flare-native wallet to leverage Turnkey’s embedded wallet technology,” it’s positioned as the smoothest, most secure gateway for chaps and chapesses to dive into decentralized finance (DeFi) on Flare. By ditching seed phrases and letting one log in with biometric tools, passkeys, or even a jolly old email, Luminite’s aiming to charm the less tech-savvy crowd and usher in a new generation of crypto enthusiasts. 🕺💻

Gentle reader, be not confused by the want of centralized encumbrance! Unlike those staid and compliant stablecoins guided by bankers’ hands, mmUSD proposes to be a creature of pure blockchains, born and bred upon the M^0 network, and supported by the ever-courteous Stripe. For the affairs of minting and redemptions, let us look no further than the Bridge Protocol, which offers so smooth a transition between the worlds of paper money and digital asset, one need scarcely break a sweat. Regulatory compliance and technical efficiency, we are assured, have been addressed-though whether the regulators concur is, as always, a separate chapter in our tale. 😏

So, how did Sharplink manage this little shopping spree? By dipping into the magical piggy bank of its at-the-market equity facility, of course! They paid an average of $3,634 per ETH between July 28 and August 3. For those keeping score at home, that’s like buying a small island-but instead, they bought digital gold. Or, well, digital ether. Close enough. 🏝️