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For those engaged in the delightfully illicit world of cryptocurrency – a realm already steeped in a charming air of mystery – a VPN is less an affectation and more a sensible precaution. Wallet access, exchange logins… such details are far too interesting to leave exposed to the vulgar gaze of the unprotected internet. A VPN provides a layer of obfuscation, a veil of respectability, if you will. Though, one shudders to think what sort of individuals require such discreet protection. That being said, let us examine the top six purveyors of this digital subterfuge, as of January 2026.

For the uninitiated, this “golden cross” is but a quaint dance of moving averages: the 23-month SMA, with a grace that belies its complexity, has pirouetted above the 50-month SMA. Chartists, those modern-day soothsayers, declare this a macro golden cross-a term as grandiose as it is obscure. On the XRP versus BTC chart, this pas de deux has occurred but once before, just as the altcoin leapt from 0.000023 to 0.000228 per Bitcoin in a mere three monthly candles. A fleeting moment, yet one etched into the annals of crypto lore.

Meanwhile, crypto markets have lost $200 billion this week, proving once again that money can disappear faster than my motivation to exercise. The usual suspects-trade wars, Japanese bond drama, and the U.S. government’s inability to pass crypto laws-are to blame. At this point, I’m convinced Congress thinks “blockchain” is a new brand of yoga pants.

On January 22, Bitwise Asset Management, in a delightful partnership with Proficio Capital Partners, announced this new cocktail of investments-an ETF that marries Bitcoin and gold, purportedly to shield against the ever-looming specter of currency debasement.

Iran’s central bank has amassed a cool $507 million in Tether’s USDT to give the rial a little boost. You know, just casually sidestepping traditional banking channels like it’s no big deal. This all went down in April and May 2025-perfect timing for a good ol’ financial maneuver.

As of this moment, PIPPIN hovers at $0.412, a 27.57% leap on the daily charts. Volume swelled like a swollen river, 21% to $56.5 million, while market cap swelled to $388 million, a gaudy display of confidence. One might say the market has found its rhythm, though it’s more likely it’s just chasing the next shiny object.

The US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), ever vigilant in its role as the moral compass of the financial world, has seen fit to ban Ellison from holding any executive positions for a decade. A slap on the wrist, perhaps, but one that will surely sting her ego more than her wallet.

First up, they’ve made it so easy for app creators to integrate payments-no coding required! Well, sort of. It’s only for Test-Pi (because why use real money when you can pretend?), and it only works during active app sessions. So, yes, you can buy that virtual latte, but don’t expect it to be there when you reopen the app. Groundbreaking? Not really. But hey, baby steps, right?

Midnight, the privacy-focused blockchain, was described as a “terminal integrated into the application,” a concept so seamless it might make a medieval scribe weep with envy. “It’s just a natural extension of what you want to do,” he said, which, if you ask me, sounds less like a user experience and more like a magician’s trick.

Grab a coffee. The year is still young, but the gold market is already sending a message that long-term assumptions may be getting rewritten faster than my attempts at a New Year’s resolution.