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The Seychelles-based Peken Global Limited, operating as KuCoin, apparently forgot to register as a foreign money services business in Canada. Oops, right? 😅

The noble Ethereum, once a paragon of valor, now stumbles beneath the fateful $4,100 threshold, its bullish momentum vanquished by a 20% tempest. At this very moment, it wallows near $3,900, a 12% weekly humiliation etched into its ledger.

However, behind the confetti, market indicators are winking at us, whispering secrets we might not want to hear. 🤫

The tale began at the ungodly hour of 7:45 a.m. on September 19. Victim 1, innocently taking out the garbage, was suddenly greeted by the Garcia brothers, who brandished weapons as if announcing a grand performance. Zip ties were distributed generously, hands were bound, and the victims were ushered into the home as if they were actors in a grotesque play. 🎭

Imagine this: you’re a crypto startup, fresh off a $10M raise, and suddenly some guy named “Kim from Queens” applies to be your head of DevOps. Spoiler alert: Kim’s probably not from Queens. He’s probably from Pyongyang, and his idea of “team building” involves draining your treasury. 🍸

On-chain data, that modern oracle of market sentiment, reveals that the grandees have slashed their exposure in perpetual futures by double digits in the past seven days. Simultaneously, the whales-those leviathans of the Bitcoin ocean-have slowed their accumulation pace, adding a dash of bearish bitters to the already sour cocktail of price momentum. 🍸

According to some research shmoes at Tiger Research, the number of Plume holders went from 167,000 in June to over 200,000 in September. That’s…a lot of people. Apparently, one out of every two folks dabbling in tokenized real-world assets is doing it through Plume. Like they have a choice! It’s a monopoly, I tell ya, a MONOPOLY!

Now, according to CoinMarketCap (because who else keeps track of crypto chaos?), XPL shot up from a humble $0.74 to a whopping $1.42 before sliding back down to $1.28 as of this writing. But hold your horses – this token’s market cap now stands at a jaw-dropping $2.17 billion! 😱 And don’t even get me started on the trading volumes, which surged by over 18,000% in a single day! That’s not a spike – it’s a full-on moon landing! 🚀

The panel of illustrious experts will regale us with their wisdom, including Jason Somensatto, director of policy at Coin Center, Andrea S. Kramer, founding member of AS Kramer Law (because apparently “law” is a full-time job), Lawrence Zlatkin, the VP of tax at Coinbase (a company that clearly knows how to play the tax game), and Annette Nellen, who chairs the Digital Assets Tax Task Force at the American Institute of CPAs-because the world definitely needs more tax task forces.

So, here’s the scoop: Google is snatching up warrants to buy a whopping 24 million shares of Cipher Mining stock. This all comes courtesy of a complex, three-way partnership that, in layman’s terms, is basically crypto miners trying to morph into AI computing superstars. 🧠💡