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Ah, Ethena [ENA], the crypto equivalent of a diva at a garden party, surged by 30.98% over the past week. It leapt from $0.51 to a dazzling 7-month high of $0.855. Monthly and yearly charts? Oh, they’re positively glowing with gains of 143% and 152%, respectively. At press time, ENA was trading at $0.8086, up 9.05% in just 24 hours. Rising network activity, positive sentiment, and steady capital inflows have all conspired to keep this show rolling. Naturally, traders are now whispering about the next act in this Ethena price cycle. Will it be a standing ovation or an awkward curtain call? 🎭

Reader, imagine Gogol’s nose had not merely strolled the Nevsky Prospect but had ballooned into 1.15 million noses-each gilded, numbered, cursed with price quotes-bobbing in Bitmine’s cellar like grotesque Fabergé balloons. This, dear spectator, is what they romantically call “the ETH stash” belonging to no private dreamer, but to that most slippery of beasts: a public company. One week prior, the same stash groaned under a mere $2.9 billion. In seven days, an extra two billion was conjured-presumably by selling pieces of their grandmothers’ souls, or, more prosaically, by the occult alchemy of “corporate treasury strategy.”

Ali Martinez, the prophet of crypto whisperers, spilled on X that Cardano whales-those big fish with 100 million to a billion tokens-snatched up over 200 million ADA in two days.

According to the latest court gossip-because let’s be honest, this is juicier than any reality TV show-there’s a conference scheduled for August 12, 2025, at 10:30 a.m. in the illustrious Courtroom 1305 of the Thurgood Marshall Courthouse in New York City. Mark your calendars, folks! 🗓️

On-chain metrics are screaming “bullish” louder than a karaoke night after three mimosas. Exchange reserves for ETH have plummeted to levels that make the Mariana Trench look like a kiddie pool. 🌊 Apparently, everyone’s moving their coins to long-term storage or staking, which is crypto’s version of “I’m not hoarding, I’m collecting.” This supply squeeze, paired with demand that’s thirstier than a camel in the Sahara, is setting the stage for a price rally that could make fireworks look boring. 🎆

According to the proposal, this DUNI thingamajig will let Uniswap keep its decentralized governance while also playing nice with the legal bigwigs. It’s like trying to teach a cat to fetch-ambitious, but hey, stranger things have happened. 🦄 And let’s not forget the $16.5 million worth of UNI being tossed into a DUNI-owned wallet. Because nothing says “we’re here to stay” like a hefty legal defense fund. 💼💰

Check for any technical terms that need to stay accurate, like RSI, Bollinger Bands, etc., but present them in a more whimsical way. Make sure the key points from the original are retained but expressed in a more elaborate, Bulgakov-esque manner.

The SEC, in a rare moment of clarity, distinguished between a securities transaction and the dignified act of staking. One might imagine the agency’s typewriters clacking in unison: “PoS is not a security, but if you dress it up in a tuxedo and call it a ‘token sale,’ well… that’s a different party.” This clarification, like a sudden thaw in a frozen pond, allowed validators to breathe easier. Institutional investors, once cowering behind spreadsheets, now waltzed into the room, clutching their compliance checklists like Victorian handkerchiefs. 🕺

Plot twist: the lead investor is… wait for it… World Liberty Financial itself. Because why wait for fans when you can Venmo your own fantasy football team? The rest of the guest list is the usual crypto cosplay crew, all RSVP’d for Tuesday, August 12-aka “Proof-of-Stake Prom Night.”

Apparently, this is all about “expanding their compliance framework.” Translation: more paperwork, more meetings, and more acronyms than a bowl of alphabet soup. 🍜