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Despite all this financial drama, Bitcoin’s, shall we say, “resilience” is apparently gaining attention. CryptoQuant, whoever they are, says that the big whales—you know, the people with so much Bitcoin they could probably buy a small island—haven’t cashed out yet. They’re actually accumulating! Apparently, this is similar to what happened in August–September 2023, which I vaguely remember as a time when I was more worried about finding decent avocados than cryptocurrency. This accumulation thing supposedly means long-term conviction, which I interpret as “they’re still delusional.”

“Gaming and gambling campaigns are the most expensive, with a median CPW of $8.74 and a lower quartile of $3.40,” quoth the sage Asaf Nadler, co-founder of the Web3 marketing firm Addressable, in a recent missive on X. CPW, or cost per wallet, is a metric of such lofty quality that it tracks the cost of visitors who have already installed their crypto wallets in the sacred confines of their browsers. 🤑

Now, let’s talk about the big revelation from Aave’s founder, Stani Kulechov. Apparently, Aave’s yield on EUR Coin has now surpassed the mighty fintech giants like Wise and Revolut, which—oh, the audacity—offer lower interest rates. Aave’s lenders can now pocket up to a respectable 3.28% APY, while Wise offers a humble 2.24% and Revolut a slightly better 2.59% (if you go for their Ultra plan). So much for that, right?

In a cozy Washington D.C. get-together on April 11, a bunch of policymakers, regulators, and very important people in nice suits (some wearing suspiciously trendy sneakers) gathered for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission’s Crypto Task Force second roundtable. They called it “Between a Block and a Hard Place: Tailoring Regulation for Crypto Trading” (which sounds more like a detective novel than a policy session). This illustrious crypto task force is led by the ever-cheerful Commissioner Hester Peirce. 🙃

According to a new thread on X, formerly known as Twitter (because who needs consistency?), the Helium team is bragging that the SEC gave up on accusing them of, get this, violating securities laws. Securities laws! As if anyone in crypto even knows what those are. 🙄

Standard Chartered, in a burst of what can only be described as either profound insight or utter madness, has officially initiated coverage on XRP. Yes, you heard correctly. They are forecasting a mega rally for this crypto bauble, driven, they claim, by its pivotal role in global payments and tokenization. Geoffrey Kendrick, a name as mellifluous as a forgotten sonnet, the bank’s global head of digital assets research, projected, with the certainty of a fortune teller reading tea leaves, that XRP could surge, like a startled cat, around 500% to reach $12.50 by the close of 2028. A veritable financial fairytale! 🧚‍♂️ As part of this grand pronouncement, Kendrick also anticipates, with a flourish, that XRP’s market capitalization will surpass that of Ethereum within the same timeframe. He stated, with the gravitas of a judge sentencing a particularly annoying fly:

Ah, the Nightfall platform! A layer-2 darling that’s been twirling atop the Ethereum blockchain like a young debutante at her first ball. By shaking hands off-chain, it reduces the Ethereum mainnet’s workload while charming all involved with swift and economical transactions. Transparency, meet confidentiality, and let the dance begin!

Esteemed chart conductor Doji proclaims that our little token exhibits the unmistakable footprints of accumulation. Like a moth drawn to light, price gravitation skulks near the hallowed Point of Control (POC) at $2.40, where volumes once frolicked en masse. Couple that with a venerable descending resistance line, and “voilà”—we have a potent recipe for dramatic price leaps. A final flourish above that line? A cameo for trend reversal, oh my! 🤭

In his April 9 Liberty Report broadcast, free market advocate and former Congressman Ron Paul, a man who has probably seen more economic cycles than a washing machine, warned that escalating tariff tensions between the United States and China are symptomatic of deeper economic and geopolitical problems. Problems that could lead to prolonged global instability. You know, the kind where you can’t even get a decent cup of tea. ☕

Even though the rest of the market is sulking in its usual gloomy mood, our dear TRUMP token seems to be finding its feet again. Analysts (the so-called fortune-tellers of this bizarre realm) are watching it like a tired soap opera, waiting for the next twist as more tokens shimmy their way into circulation.