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Now, you might be wondering, will this current price action-where selling is met with solid demand (and no one is losing their heads, thankfully)-help Bitcoin reach that mystical unicorn level of $100K? 🦄✨

As AMBCrypto noted, BOJ rate hikes have historically led to double-digit drawdowns in Bitcoin [BTC], as rising leverage costs push foreign investors to de-risk and unwind BTC positions, fueling short-term FUD. (FUD stands for ‘Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt,’ which is basically the crypto market’s version of a bedtime story.) 🧸

It’s broken through a support level at $120 like it wasn’t even there. This $120, you see, was a rather important psychological barrier, preventing further… well, falling. It was a floor. Floors are good. Now it’s just… air. And it’s not even a gentle descent. We’re talking a 60% drop from its January high of $293! That’s practically tumbling down Mount Everest in a bouncy castle.

Ah, another pronouncement from the American authorities. As if the world wasn’t complicated enough, the esteemed Securities and Exchange Commission-those tireless guardians of our financial well-being-have seen fit to issue “detailed guidelines” regarding the custody of these… crypto assets. One wonders if they haven’t more pressing concerns, like the price of tea in Boston. ☕

Well, I’ll be jiggered! Bitwise Asset Management, those clever coves, have chucked their hat into the ring with a spot SUI exchange-traded fund. Seems the old boys are keen on giving the institutional crowd a bit of regulated crypto exposure, what? 🧐 With everyone and their uncle eyeing up diversified digital assets, it’s no wonder they’re playing nice with the Yanks and their ever-changing crypto rules. 🦅📜

Ethereum, once a proud stallion, now a limp noodle, attempted a feeble rise but faltered above $2,950, much like its comrade Bitcoin. Below $2,920 and $2,900 it fell, into the clutches of the bearish zone, where hope goes to die. The bears, those merciless brutes, pushed it further, to a low of $2,775, where it now wallows, consolidating its losses near the 23.6% Fib retracement level. A tragic farce, is it not? 🎭

One so-called expert, doubtless ensconced in his ivory tower, proclaims that this ETF growth is a testament to the “longer-term institutional processes,” as if such phrases were not merely euphemisms for glacial indecision. Ah, the institutions! Those paragons of prudence, who conduct their due diligence with the fervor of a tortoise in a marathon. Market behavior, risk metrics, historical performance-all must be scrutinized, ad nauseam, before a single cent is committed. Months? Years? Why, one might as well consult the stars for guidance! ⏳

The treasury and corporate arm of the Dogecoin Foundation outlined its expansion into regulated finance, payments, and sports partnerships ahead of a planned NASDAQ listing in early 2026. 🏦⚽ A dream so grand, it could make a philosopher weep. 😭

Osborne, who first dipped his toes into Coinbase’s icy waters in 2024 amidst a lively battle with the US Securities and Exchange Commission, is, according to the trendiest news sources like Reuters, the latest pawn in Coinbase’s grand plan to win hearts, minds, and maybe influence foreign governments. Because nothing says “we’re serious” like a politician-turned-advisor in the crypto space, right?

Shares jumped 13% in after-hours trading, hitting $16.19, which is basically the financial equivalent of a standing ovation. 👏