Fat-bellied Jupiter tosses thunderbolts, giddy Epic Games in tow, as Apple pouts on a Californian Olympus: gone, for now, are the endless orchards of mandatory commissions and stunted in-app links. In a clandestine ballet of irony, US District Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers, wielding a pen that might as well have been the Sword of Damocles (or at least a very sharp Apple Pencil), declared Apple not so much bitten, as positively devoured by its own restrictive fruit.
Smoky legalese billowed in the April 30th wind—“Apple’s continued attempts to interfere with competition will not be tolerated.” Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers, no pushover in black robes, positively radiated the energy of a stern librarian who’s just found a pro-Apple pamphlet in the Dostoyevsky section.
Apple must make changes “effective immediately”
And so, with a snap of judicial fingers: “Effective immediately, Apple will no longer impede developers’ ability to communicate with users, nor will they levy or impose a new commission on off-app purchases,” thundered the decree. No more forbidden links, no more forced tithes—cue wild fireworks in the offices of crypto app developers everywhere, and one suspects, the quiet clinking of champagne glasses at Epic HQ.
Rogers had little time for dithering—“This is an injunction, not a negotiation. There are no do-overs once a party willfully disregards a court order. Time is of the essence.” Somewhere in Cupertino, a team of lawyers lost the last remnants of their hair.
The verdict: No more commissions, no melodramatic audits of what common folk purchase outside the gilded App Store gates. Apple, apparently, has no business peeking into your crypto liaisons or virtual purchases, leaving developers finally free to lead lambs (or, rather, users) from one digital meadow to another.
No more forbidden fruits for only certain developers; Apple can’t banish any entire categories from the garden now. Developers may festoon their apps with as many glistening links as their hearts desire, and the once-mighty fruit merchant must let them.
The resulting revision in Apple’s guidelines reads, according to onlookers, a bit like a politely disgruntled Victorian butler forced to let the riffraff use the front door. Ariel Michaeli, co-founder of Appfigures and CEO by day, part-time decipherer of passive-aggressive memos, says Apple’s language could “confuse” the masses—or simply amuse those who have read enough between the Cupertino lines.
Summing it up: External NFTs, escape routes to non-Apple payment systems, and not a single entitlement form in sight. If links had feet, they’d be tap dancing out of Apple’s walled garden.
Twitter’s crypto Greek chorus, led by “Xero,” trumpeted: “This is hugely bullish for mobile crypto games and apps.” Alex Masmej, meanwhile, did not merely agree—he launched into hyperbole, arm in arm with exclamation marks: “This is absolutely huge for crypto.”
Elsewhere, Tim Sweeney of Epic Games emerged with a monologue worthy of a Shakespearian casualty—Fortnite is plotting its grand return to the US Apple App Store. The olive branch (almost certainly grown in extremely expensive soil) was extended: drop your tariffs abroad, Apple, and Epic will sheath its many, many lawsuits.
As for Justice Elena Kagan? With sublime indifference, she declined to intervene in August last year, leaving Epic’s ambitions to simmer. Sometimes, the gods simply sip their tea.
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2025-05-03 09:42