Ethereum to $5,400? The Empire of Hope Built on Thin Air 🎈

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So it begins again. The people, trembling with hope in their digital wallets, look to the heavens-no, not God-to the price charts. In the year of our algorithm 2026, Ethereum, that restless, gas-guzzling colossus, climbed a modest 14%, as if dragging itself from the gulag of bear markets. It reached $3,400-ah, a summit! A victory! Though, like all Soviet harvest reports, it was quickly revised downward by press time. Truth is elastic, especially when denominated in USD and dreams.

And who among us shall interpret this miracle? Behold, Garret Bullish-the so-called “White House whale”-a title that sounds less like finance and more like a minor villain from a Cold War cartoon 🐳. He of the legendary October short that made him millions (or so he says, and who among us can verify such things behind the Great Blockchain Firewall?). Now he emerges, not with bread, but with prophecy: ETH shall rise to $5,413. Not $5,414. Not $5,412. $5,413. Such precision! One wonders if he received the number in a dream from Lenin himself.

“We believe ETH has re-entered the (5)th wave of the ascending channel that began in April last year. Theoretical targets: target 1: $5,413; aggressive target 2: $7,155.”

The Elliot Wave Theory-yes, that mystical scribble of psychiatrists turned traders-now serves as scripture. We crawl forward on Fibonacci prayers, plotting geometric hope on logarithmic grids, as if the market were a divine sonata written by a drunk mathematician 🎼. From $3,350 to $5,400? A +60% ascent! Or, if one dares dream of $7,155-why, that’s practically utopia. A weekend in Sochi! Two chickens in every wallet! 🐔

Let us not forget: Bullish holds over $600 million in ETH. Naturally, the sky is blue and the forecast is eternal summer. He attributes the bullishness to the great ideological struggle between Powell and Trump-two titans flailing at the controls of the monetary levers, each accusing the other of sabotaging the Motherland’s dollar supply. In their chaos, cryptocurrencies bloom-like mushrooms after a nuclear spring.

“Historically, geopolitical conflicts in the Middle East have coincided with crypto rallies. According to Gemini data: Avg PnL 30 days after conflict: BTC +14%, ETH +27%; Avg PnL 90 days after conflict: BTC +20%, ETH +39%”

Thus, the gospel: War brings wealth! Death brings dividends! The spilling of blood in distant deserts somehow increases the value of your ERC-20 tokens. One might call it cynical, but in our time, we call it “on-chain fundamentals.” 🕳️💸

And Garret Bullish is not alone in his optimism. No, the chorus grows louder. Standard Chartered Bank-yes, that venerable institution that once financed empires and colonies-now foresees ETH at $7,500 by 2026, $15,000 by 2027, and $40,000 by 2030. Such numbers! They belong not in a financial report, but in a sci-fi novel titled The Final Hype. 🚀

Will ETH Outperform BTC?

DeFiIgnas, the soothsayer of decentralized finance (and, one assumes, a nom de guerre for someone living in a Lithuanian basement), argues that quantum computing may one day crack Bitcoin’s RSA like a walnut. And thus, ETH-the more agile, more bureaucratic, more frequently updated chainsaw-will inherit the earth. Or at least the top spot on CoinMarketCap’s throne room. 👑

The ETH/BTC ratio-a fragile indicator, like the mood of a poet-has begun to rise since December. After BTC lorded over ETH in the second half of 2025 (a dark time, when gas fees were low and morale lower), the downtrodden altcoin has stirred. The 200-day moving average-blue, like the flag of a lost republic-held as support. Now, hope ascends. If macro improves (and when has macro not been “about to improve”?), ETH might breach $4,000. Might. Could. Perhaps. Inshallah. 🤲

Final Thoughts

  • Ethereum could surge 60% in the next few weeks, says a man who calls himself “Bullish” and works near the West Wing (or so he claims-proof? Who needs proof in the age of imagination?). 🐂
  • Analysts, banks, and clowns agree: ETH is going up. The only question is whether it will fly or merely fall more slowly than BTC. 🎪

So we stand again at the precipice. The masses clutch their MetaMask wallets, awaiting salvation. The prophets speak in waves and ratios. The whales swim in offshore pools. And somewhere, deep beneath the tundra of financial absurdity, the truth rots-ignored, unburied, and unacknowledged. But who has time for truth? The chart is green. 🟩🟢💚

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2026-01-15 09:17