How TikTok’s U.S. Deal Turned Markets into a Dizzying Circus of Joy and Confusion

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In a universe where cryptocurrencies once seemed as lively as a snail in a fog, the news of TikTok’s American escapade stirred the pot and juggled a few markets for good measure. Bitcoin and stocks, perhaps inspired by this digital soap opera, went on a rollercoaster ride that even a caffeinated squirrel would envy. 🚀😅

Bitcoin and Stocks Surge Because TikTok’s Back in Town (Or at Least, Half of It)

Over two billion-yes, with a B-people have now downloaded what was once just a tiny, quirky Chinese video app. It’s now basically the world’s most popular digital parrots squawking trends that no one asked for. This astronomical number probably saved TikTok from being banned faster than a cat meme can go viral in a typhoon. TikTok, which has already been banned in Canada (because apparently, zipping videos around the Great White North is too dangerous) and temporarily in the U.S., is now doing the Macarena with Americans through a joint venture, of all things, with Oracle and a few other fine companies. According to CNBC’s latest scoop, this was very much a “letting the dog in” moment. 🐶

(TikTok, now practically a household name, with about as much subtlety as a marching band in a library. / Statista)

This app is basically a playground for Gen Z, featuring viral dance challenges, lip-syncing (probably to your own singing), and point-of-view skits that make you question reality. But behind the scenes, ByteDance-its parent-grins like a fox in a henhouse, legally bound by Beijing’s notorious 2017 National Intelligence Law, which sounds like something out of a spy novel but is actually just the Chinese government’s way of saying, “You will cooperate, or we’ll know anyway.”

“All organizations and citizens shall support, assist, and cooperate with national intelligence efforts,” runs Article 7. Basically, think of it as a very serious ‘please help us spy’ note with extra sauce. 😬

This Orwellian language didn’t sit well with the US and Canada, both of whom promptly banned ByteDance faster than you can say “privacy concerns.” But in a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Donald Trump-whose talent for deal-making rivals his talent for Twitter tantrums-swung into action. He cut a deal, and now we have a messy but functional joint venture involving Oracle, Texas-based tech whizzes, California’s private equity novices Silver Lake, and some mysterious Abu Dhabi investors. Talk about a global potluck! 🌍🍲

This consortium now owns 50% of what will be called TikTok USDS Joint Venture LLC. Oracle, naturally, soared like a spaceship on this news, and both stocks and bitcoin shot upward, probably dreaming of dollar signs or just happy to be included. The stock rally might have nudged Bitcoin, though perhaps only coincidentally-much like finding a rubber duck in your sock drawer. 🦆

“They say it will be trained on US data,” chirped Rush Doshi, an assistant professor who probably knows more about espionage than most of us know about our own laundry. His concern? Whether the algorithm is truly American-owned or just being watched by Beijing’s secret police-because, you know, transparency is overrated. 🤔

Market Metrics Snapshot: The Hundred-Million-Dollar Question

Bitcoin was sitting pretty at $88,007.63 when writing this, up 2.82% for the day but down 2.41% for the week-it’s a rollercoaster people, hold on! In the last 24 hours, the price swung between $85,107.66 and $89,339.12, because why not? Crypto prices are basically mood swings in digital form.

(Bitcoin’s daily dance / Trading View)

The daily trading volume eased slightly to $47.42 billion-probably exhausted from all the excitement-and the overall market cap nudged up to a staggering $1.75 trillion. Meanwhile, Bitcoin’s dominance dipped to 59.55%, as altcoins got a bit greedy and stole a few pixels from the Bitcoin throne. 👑

(Bitcoin’s share in the crypto pie / Trading View)

Total bitcoin futures open interest jumped 3.73% to $59.13 billion, probably because everyone’s pretending they know what they’re doing. Liquidations for the day dropped to $99.27 million, with short sellers losing about $61.66 million-a gentle reminder that sometimes, in crypto, everyone ends up losing. Long investors lost roughly $37.61 million, perhaps dreaming of faster horses in a Blockchain carriage. 🤷‍♂️

FAQ ⚡

  • Why did bitcoin and stocks rise after TikTok’s big news?
    Markets basically got a caffeinated shot of optimism after TikTok announced its American plans-like giving the financial markets a shiny new toy, and everyone wanted to play. 🎉
  • What’s the story with TikTok’s U.S. status now?
    It’s still TikTok, but now it’s with American chums, thanks to a joint venture involving Oracle. Because nothing says “trust” like a U.S.-based TikTok, apparently. 🤡
  • Why was TikTok at risk of being banned?
    Because U.S. officials were suspicious it was a Chinese spy in disguise, armed with dance moves and meme quotas. The law didn’t help, but a deal apparently did. 🚫🔍
  • Did the TikTok deal directly boost bitcoin?
    Not exactly, but it’s like saying a good haircut makes you taller-possible, but not guaranteed. The rally in stocks probably nudged Bitcoin along, like a friendly dog pulling its owner on a walk. 🐕

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2025-12-20 02:34