Kraken’s New VIP Crypto Club: For Millionaires Who Think They’re Special 🐙💸

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Kraken introduces invitation-only VIP platform targeting ultra high net worth individuals with comprehensive premium crypto services.

Kraken, in their infinite wisdom, has decided to cater to people who think their crypto portfolio gives them a special parking spot in heaven. The “elite” program launched on December 4, 2025 (because who wasn’t waiting for that?), requires you to either have $10 million just lying around or trade $80 million a year (because who doesn’t have that in their spare change?). Now you can brag about your “dedicated relationship manager,” which is just a fancy term for someone who will probably forget your name by Tuesday. Also, enjoy “global experiences” like Formula 1 events-nothing says “exclusive” like elbowing other rich people in a stadium while yelling at a car race. 🏎️🙄

The “unprecedented benefits” include 24/7 support (because emergencies like “my NFT is slightly losing value” never happen at 3 AM) and “early product insights,” which is code for “we’ll let you waste more money before the rest of us.” As Arjun Sethi, Kraken’s Co-CEO, put it: “Ultra high-net-worth clients don’t come to us for speed-they come because they expect a partner who matches their ridiculousness.” Oh, and private cultural gatherings? Sure, nothing like a bunch of crypto bros pretending they’re sophisticated while sipping overpriced wine. 🍷🔥

🧭 FAQs

• How can one join the Kraken VIP program? You need to be rich. Surprise! 😅

• What makes this program unique? It’s for people who think they’re better than everyone else because they have more money. Original, right? 💸

• Is the program truly invitation-only? Yes, unless you’re a goldfish with a trust fund. 🐟

• What additional benefits do members receive? Early access to products (because FOMO is a tax), and “network connections” (aka people who’ll forget you exist after the first round of drinks). 🤝

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2025-12-05 14:08