Coinbase, that ever-patient gardener of digital finance, has decided to plant a few more tulips in the frostbitten soil of December. Shiba Inu, that most noble of meme-dogs, will soon be available as perpetual futures for American retail traders-a regulated sandbox where one might dig holes only to fill them again.
“December just got major for altcoin traders,” Coinbase tweeted, as if announcing the Second Coming of Satoshi. Two dates, December 5th and 12th, will surely change the course of human history. 🌟
December just got major for altcoin traders.
December 5: 24/7 trading goes live for all altcoin monthly futures from Coinbase Derivatives
December 12: New US perpetual-style futures launch for all altcoins
Assets launching:
→ Shiba Inu $SHIB
→ Avalanche $AVA
→ Bitcoin Cash…– Coinbase Markets 🛡️ (@CoinbaseMarkets) November 21, 2025
One might ponder: does a 24/7 trading market for altcoins bring joy, or merely the illusion of joy? In May, Coinbase launched similar futures for Bitcoin and Ethereum, proving that leveraged contracts can indeed exist without sunlight or human dignity. 🧠
Two dates, two existential crises
On December 5th, altcoin monthly futures will trade like a perpetually unsatisfied theater audience-clapping for no reason, booing at arbitrary intervals. Then, on the 12th, perpetual futures arrive for SHIB and ten other cryptos, including Dogecoin (because nostalgia is profitable) and SUI (which is definitely not a typo). 🐕🔥
Retail traders, armed with caffeine and regret, will now access “one of the most widely used derivatives products in crypto within a regulated environment.” One wonders what Chekhov himself would say. Probably, “To regulate is to despair. To trade is to weep.”
Shiba Inu: Japan’s new national pet 🍣
This week, Japan-a land of paradoxes and vending machines that dispense ramen-granted SHIB a 20% flat tax rate. It now shares company with Bitcoin and Ethereum, which, like all good crypto, remains a mystery wrapped in an enigma and a whitepaper.
Gemini, that other exchange with a flair for melodrama, launched perpetual contracts for SHIB. European customers may now trade with up to 100x leverage. Because nothing says “financial prudence” like betting your grandmother’s inheritance on a dog meme. 💸
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2025-11-23 13:23