Crypto May Save Us All… or Not! 😱

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White House economic advisor Kevin Hassett, a man who once thought “shutdown” was a type of soup, has hinted the U.S. government’s romantic comedy with itself might end soon. Spoiler: No one wins, but maybe the crypto market gets a standing ovation? 🤷♂️

  • Government shutdown: Ending this week? Only if Congress finishes its paperwork before noon. 🕒
  • Major cryptocurrencies: Plummeting faster than a Bitcoin holder’s self-esteem. 🚀💥

On CNBC’s Squawk Box, Hassett declared the shutdown is “likely to end this week.” Or maybe next week. Or when the universe resets. He also threatened to unleash “stronger measures” against Democrats, which we assume means sending them more emails. 📧

Meanwhile, crypto’s market cap dropped 3% in 24 hours, now hovering near $3.7 trillion. Bitcoin? Down 3.2%. Altcoins? Losing 1-5% like they’re at a Bitcoin-themed exorcism. 🐉

Blame the shutdown’s third-week drama and inflation data, which now reads like a horror movie script. But fear not! If the shutdown ends, crypto might rally because… reasons. 🎩✨

Altcoin ETFs: Back from the Dead? 🧟♂️

The SEC, currently on a “strategic sabbatical,” will resume reviewing altcoin ETFs once the shutdown ends. Before the shutdown, they were about to approve Solana, XRP, and Litecoin. Experts say approval is 100% guaranteed. Because nothing says “certainty” like a government agency. 🏛️

In September, markets rallied on this narrative. Now? It’s like asking a goldfish to remember the plot of a movie. But hey, maybe the SEC’s return will be the crypto equivalent of a standing ovation. 👏

Economic Data: The Fed’s New BFF 💸

The Fed’s policy meeting next week hinges on delayed economic data. Without it, they’re flying blind, which is a bad look for anyone. Polymarket says a 25bps rate cut is 96% likely. CME’s FedWatch? 98.9%. But how will they know? By reading tea leaves and hoping inflation isn’t a ghost. 👻

Fed officials like Jerome Powell are all for rate cuts. But without data, it’s like baking a cake without knowing if the oven’s on. 🍰🔥

CLARITY Act: A Political Dance-Off 🕺

The CLARITY Act, a bill so important it’s named after a feeling, could get a speed boost once the shutdown ends. Congress has been working on it, but let’s be real-legislators are currently playing chess with fiscal priorities. Once the shutdown ends, maybe they’ll remember crypto exists. 🧠

Strategic Bitcoin Reserve: Government’s New Hobby 🏦

Sensor Cynthia Lummis wants the U.S. to fund a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. But the shutdown made it a back-burner project. When the shutdown ends, expect the government to dust off the Bitcoin Act like it’s a forgotten homework assignment. 📝 If the U.S. holds Bitcoin, it’ll legitimize it faster than a TikTok trend. Maybe. Probably not. 🤷♀️

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2025-10-21 12:39