🤑 Crypto Chaos: Japan Bans Secrets, Trump’s Ghost Haunts 401(k)s, ETFs Go Wild! 🌪️

Ah, the Land of the Rising Sun, ever so meticulous in its pursuit of order, now turns its gaze to the anarchic realm of digital currencies. Japan’s regulators, with a flourish of bureaucratic quills, propose to outlaw the trading of crypto on non-public information-a move as predictable as a haiku’s syllable count. Aligning these pixilated assets with the staid protections of traditional markets, they aim to stifle the very chaos that makes crypto so delectably absurd. Parliamentary approval, of course, is but a formality, a mere curtsy before the inevitable. 🧘♂️

Behold, the Retirement Investment Choice Act, a legislative chimera that seeks to marry the wild west of crypto with the somnolent world of 401(k)s. Rep. Downing, channeling the spirit of a certain golden-coiffed former executive, proposes to codify Trump’s executive order, allowing retirement plans to dabble in crypto and private equity. Four Republican lawmakers, no doubt swayed by the siren song of financial deregulation, have thrown their hats into this ring. One can almost hear the ghost of Trump whispering, “Make retirement great again.” 👻💼

The world of spot Bitcoin ETFs, ever the theater of financial melodrama, witnessed a $103M influx, with Fidelity’s FBTC strutting like a peacock with its $133M haul. Not to be outdone, spot Ethereum ETFs raked in $236M, as all nine ETFs basked in the glow of positive net flows. One wonders if these digital treasures are the modern-day tulips, their value as ephemeral as a Nabokovian metaphor. Yet, the market, ever fickle, continues its dance, leaving us mere spectators to its capricious whims. 💃💹