“In the damp Petersburg fog, while lesser souls merely counted kopecks, one fevered firm-nay, one fevered soul named Bitmine-gazed into the abyss and whispered: ‘Let there be 4.96 billion dollars worth of Ether, and 1,150,263 shimmering coins shall answer!’”
So proclaimed the ledger on the tenth of August, a Wednesday modestly disguised as any other, when the price of each metaphysical token hovered at the diabolical figure of $4,311. A penny more, a penny less-and the entire edifice of human vanity might have collapsed. Yet the abyss, kind soul, held firm-at least for now. 😉
The Metropolitan & His Precious Hoard
Reader, imagine Gogol’s nose had not merely strolled the Nevsky Prospect but had ballooned into 1.15 million noses-each gilded, numbered, cursed with price quotes-bobbing in Bitmine’s cellar like grotesque Fabergé balloons. This, dear spectator, is what they romantically call “the ETH stash” belonging to no private dreamer, but to that most slippery of beasts: a public company. One week prior, the same stash groaned under a mere $2.9 billion. In seven days, an extra two billion was conjured-presumably by selling pieces of their grandmothers’ souls, or, more prosaically, by the occult alchemy of “corporate treasury strategy.”
commenced on the thirtieth of June-ah, White Nights!-closed ceremoniously (and bureaucratically) on the eighth of July. Five weeks later, the dragon’s hoard blossoms to $4.96 billion, forcing Bitmine’s total crypto treasure chest beyond the ludicrous threshold of $4.98 billion-a figure so neatly engineered one suspects Satan handles their Excel. 📈
Thus, in the great global race of who can sit on the largest mound of imaginary gold, they stand bronze-medalists-outshone only by Strategy and Marathon Digital, those twin Colossi of Blockchain whose names echo like dynasties of Byzantine despots. Third place! But oho, dear cynic, you and I know earthly glory is best savored lukewarm, like yesterday’s tea.
Meanwhile, the ticker BMNR (a trio of letters chosen, no doubt, by an intern drunk on vowels) gyrates across the NYSE like a cartwheeling clerk in Gogol’s dead souls. Over five August days it averaged $2.2 billion in daily trading volume, ranking twenty-fifth among all American equities-snugly between Costco’s jumbo shrimp and the august vaults of JPMorgan. Reader, if that isn’t the triumph of speculative mania over reason, what is? 🤡
And who proclaims this miracle? None other than board chairman Tom Lee-Icarus in a bespoke suit-who declares, with Homeric flourish, that Bitmine increased its ETH by $2 billion “in just a week… lightning speed.” Lightning indeed! One expects the accompanying thunderclap to yodel, Eureka, five percent of the total ETH supply is ours!
He neglects to mention that 95% remains tantalizingly un-captured, glimmering just beyond reach like Sonia Marmeladova’s innocence. 🌩️
Backing this ecclesiastical cabaret: Ark Invest, Founders Fund, Pantera Capital-titans of modern avarice who nightly place their confessional receipts under the pillow of Saint Satoshi and dream of Lamborghinis made of pure moonbeams.
So here we stand, at the crossroads of despair and farce, where numbers denominate dreams and the question is not why do you hoard? but rather when will the hoard hoard you? A rouble lost is a novel gained; an ETH burned is merely Tuesday. Some will scoff, others genuflect-but I, humble chronicler, jeer with all the sympathetic pessimism of an Underground Man who has just realized his metro card expired. Until the next great plunge, dear masochists, keep clutching those digital kopecks-the abyss is not finished with us yet. 😏
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2025-08-12 02:08