Monday’s press release basically screamed, “Remember when we cured nothing in biotech? Well now we’re curing boredom-by selling $1.5 B worth of stock to buy a Trump-branded token that sounds like a Wi-Fi password!” Alt5 Sigma has pivoted harder than a Real Housewife flipping tables, from lab coats to Lambo dreams. 🧪➡️💸
Plot twist: the lead investor is… wait for it… World Liberty Financial itself. Because why wait for fans when you can Venmo your own fantasy football team? The rest of the guest list is the usual crypto cosplay crew, all RSVP’d for Tuesday, August 12-aka “Proof-of-Stake Prom Night.”
Translation: once this deal drops, you can buy Alt5 shares on your boring ol’ Schwab app and technically own a slice of TrumpCoin without having to explain MetaMask to your mom. 🫡
Bonus casting news! Eric Trump is joining the board (bring extra hairspray), Zach Witkoff-son of Presidential Envoy, First-Name-Steve-is becoming chairman, and the entire Trump male family tree has been listed as “co-founder emeritus,” which is Latin for “we’re just here for the group photo.”
The Political Side Quest 🤡
World Liberty Financial isn’t listed on any big exchange yet, but hey, neither was Beanie Babies for a while and look how that turned out! Bloomberg also reports Trump’s personal wallet has ballooned by at least $620 million, meaning he’s now worth approximately one Scrooge-McDuck-coin per angry tweet.
Democrats are clutching pearls like it’s prom night 1999, claiming this “blurs the line between presidential power and private profit.” Some Republicans are also side-eying it, presumably because they didn’t think of it first. Meanwhile, Trump is out here turning every policy headline into an NFT drop. 🎤➡️💰
MicroStrategy started this trend-Michael Saylor’s been stacking Bitcoin like it’s Costco toilet paper. Alt5 is just hopping on the bandwagon, except their wagon is bedazzled with the last name TRUMP, and the wheels are definitely not regulation-compliant yet.
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2025-08-11 23:49