Oh no, not again! Coinbase shares took a nosedive after the company dropped a Q2 earnings report so disappointing, even your grandma’s knitting project looked impressive. Total revenue? A measly $1.5 billion—down 26% from last quarter. Because nothing says “thriving” like watching your cash flow vanish faster than a TikTok trend.
The real drama? Transaction revenue tanked 39% to $764 million. It’s like trying to sell ice to a polar bear, but with way more sighs and fewer penguins. Meanwhile, Coinbase’s “innovations” included a $307 million data breach bill. Because who doesn’t want to pay for their own cybercrime?
Missing Expectations
Coinbase tried to spin its losses as “strategic,” but let’s be real—$1.4 billion net income? That’s just $1.5 billion in unrealized gains from investments plus a $362 million crypto portfolio win. On a “real” basis, they made $33 million. Which, honestly, is more money than I’ve earned this month. 🤷♀️
Trading volumes? A disaster. Global crypto spot volumes dropped 31%, and Coinbase’s total trading volume fell 40% to $237 billion. It’s like watching a party crash, but instead of confetti, there’s just a lot of silent staring.
Consumer transaction revenue plunged 41% to $650 million. Because nothing says “excitement” like low volatility and a shift to “Simple trades.” Meanwhile, institutional revenue also took a hit. Welcome to the crypto rollercoaster—no seatbelts, just a lot of screaming.
But hey, at least Coinbase is doubling down on “product innovation.” Because nothing says “recovery” like launching an “everything app” that’s basically a crypto version of a toddler’s toy box. 🚀
“Everything App”
Coinbase rebranded its Wallet as the Base app, which now lets you trade, socialize, pay with USDC, and even tokenize your cat’s existential dread. It’s like a party where everyone’s invited, but no one knows the rules. And yes, there’s AI agents. Because robots can’t be any worse than the current management team.
The app is in beta, which means it’s probably glitching harder than a TikTok filter. But don’t worry—full release and developer tools are coming soon. Because nothing says “trust us” like a beta that’s already a mess.
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2025-08-01 21:58