Market’s Descent into Madness 📉: Stocks, Tariffs, and Bitcoin’s Tears 💔

by

The S&P 500 and Nasdaq, those stoic sentinels of modernity, clung to their record highs on Friday, as if daring the universe to disrupt the ritual of quarterly earnings. Apple and Microsoft, Silicon Valley’s self-proclaimed demigods, prepared to unveil their latest alchemical formulas for profit—though one wonders if they’ve considered selling stock in hope itself.

A Week of Revelations (or Regrets)

Wall Street’s “positive week” was a circus of contradictions: Alphabet’s revenue beat, a U.S.-Japan trade deal inked with half-hearted handshakes, and Trump’s theatrical visit to the Fed—where he barked at the chair like a dog at a mailman. 🐶📬

As for interest rates? Bill Eigen of JPMorgan, that grim oracle of fixed income, warned investors to “stop living in the past.” A bold claim, considering the past included actual vacations and functional relationships. 🏖️💔

“Zero rates are not walking through the door any time soon,” Eigen declared, as if reciting a eulogy for 2008. Squawk Box, ever the hype squad, cheered him on. 🎤

— Squawk Box (@SquawkCNBC) July 25, 2025

Next week’s agenda? A Fed policy meeting, U.S. jobs data, and earnings from Apple, Meta, and Microsoft. One wonders if these corporations will reveal secrets to immortality or just another round of “disruption.” 🤖

August 1: The Tariff Deadline, or How Trump Plans to Ruin Dinner Parties

August 1 approaches, a date etched in Trump’s calendar like a dinner reservation at a war zone. “Reciprocal tariffs” of 15-50% loom, though reciprocity seems a one-way street when Japan disputes Washington’s 90% profit claim. A trade deal? More like a trade divorce. 🤬

As the world braces for economic chaos, one can’t help but ask: Will the markets crash, or will they just… keep rising? The answer, dear reader, lies in the same place as your retirement fund. 💸

Read More

2025-07-25 18:04