You Won’t Believe Who Just Hacked Iran’s Biggest Crypto Exchange—And Why!

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Well now, let me tell you, if you woke up this morning thinkin’ your day was gonna be free of international intrigue and cryptocurrency shenanigans, you’d better fasten your garters. Nobitex, Iran’s crown jewel of crypto-wranglin’, found itself a little lighter—about $81 million dollars’ worth of light—after a gang of hackers strolled in and helped themselves. That’s a heap o’ trouble even Tom Sawyer wouldn’t whistle past. 😏

The hoodlums started rustlin’ around in their hot wallet, and by sunrise, Nobitex’s tech crew was scramblin’ like a cat in a dog show. They shut things down quicker than Aunt Polly grabbing her wallpaper paste. The exchange tried to soothe folks with promises of insurance payouts and cold wallets sturdier than Fort Knox. Whether you believe ’em is between you and your preacher.

اطلاعیه در خصوص حادثه امنیتی

صبح امروز ۲۸ خرداد، تیم فنی ما نشانه‌هایی از دسترسی غیرمجاز به بخشی از زیرساخت‌های اطلاع‌رسانی و کیف پول گرم را شناسایی کرده است. بلافاصله پس از تشخیص، تمام دسترسی‌ها متوقف شد و تیم‌های امنیتی داخلی ما در حال بررسی دقیق ابعاد این حادثه هستند.

یادآور…

— Nobitex | نوبیتکس (@nobitexmarket) June 18, 2025

If you were hopin’ for numbers, the good folks at Nobitex kept their lips sealed tighter than a miser’s purse. But some blockchain bloodhound by name of ZachXBT sniffed out the damage—Bitcoin, Dogecoin, Tron, and all manner of EVM spells were spirited away. His tally? A cool $81.7 million. Makes Jesse James look like a petty thief.

Thing is, these hackers didn’t just swipe coins—they left calling cards loaded with more attitude than Huck Finn after a riverboat bender. Try phrases like “FuckIRGCTerroristsNoBiTEX.” If you think this is politics as usual, you’d be correct—except, it’s wearing a ski mask and tapping on a keyboard.

Enter the movin’, shakin’ hacktivist posse called Gonjeshke Darande—Predatory Sparrow, if you fancy your villains poetic. From some mysterious digital perch, they announced their heist with all the subtlety of Sam Clemens on a steamboat whistle. Accusations flew. Threats were made. Promises of data leaks within 24 hours. It’s the tech world’s answer to shootin’ a whiskey bottle off the fence post.

After the IRGC’s “Bank Sepah” comes the turn of Nobitex
WARNING!

In 24 hours, we will release Nobitex’s source code and internal information from their internal network.
Any assets that remain there after that point will be at risk!

The Nobitex exchange is at the heart of the…

— Gonjeshke Darande (@GonjeshkeDarand) June 18, 2025

Now, as if horse-thieving wasn’t bad enough, this little dust-up came right after Iranian missile salvos and Israeli airstrikes put the ‘fire’ back in firefight. Seems cyberspace jumped on the bandwagon before the artillery shells cooled. Some folks say, the hackers coordinate with the real battlefield. Well, isn’t that the modern world for ya—one hand launching missiles, the other typing memes.

This Predatory Sparrow flock’s been known to swoop down on Iranian banks and fuel stations before, especially when nerves are frayed. The rumor mill says Israeli cyber-units back ‘em. Officially, Israel just gives its best poker face—never admitting, never denying, just sittin’ pretty with its cards close.

Nobitex already had itself a reputation: trading with sanctioned parties, sharing a dance with Binance for nearly $8 billion over four years, if you believe the Reuters tall tales. Seems now, they’ve caught everyone’s attention, especially folks with too much time and too many passwords.

No one’s sure how deep the bleeding runs, but this heist’s timing and the hacktivist drawl sound like a telegram straight from the frontlines. If you’re looking for the future of warfare, start with your wallet—and keep an eye out for sparrows. 🐦💣

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2025-06-18 12:07