You Won’t Believe Who’s Raising $300 Million to Bet Big on Bitcoin!

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Ah, monsieur et madame, permittez-moi to unveil a tale positively dripping with gold—or, more accurately, with that mystical nectar known as Bitcoin! Picture, if you will, the President’s own crypto conseiller, Monsieur David Bailey, strutting upon the stage with a purse so heavy it would make even Harpagon weep: $300 million, raised by means both mysterious and flamboyant, all for the glory of a new firm gloriously dubbed “Nakamoto.” 🪙

But lo, the plot thickens! The sumptuous sum comprises $200 million in equity—oui, shares for the well-heeled who wish to marry fortune—and a mere trifle of $100 million in convertible notes, for those who fancy a little transformation in life (or at least in their returns).

Inspired by the grand overtures of Strategy—excusez-moi, that would be MicroStrategy to the plebeians—the nouveau firm shall buy and clasp BTC to its bosom, holding it tight as if it were the last bottle of Bordeaux at a Parisian feast.

Enter Jack Mallers, a man with ambition so fiery it could toast your baguette! Launching his own spectacle, “Twenty One,” Monsieur Mallers declares with the bravado of Alceste:


“Mon dieu! We possess both the reputable air of blue chips with a whiff of startup mischief! Our coffers overflow with billions as we prance into the coliseum, yet remain nimble—fleet of foot, elegant of hand, posting bitcoin-denominated returns that shall make Wall Street’s finest choke on their escargots.” 🥖💰

But wait, there’s more: Nakamoto aims to sashay down the aisle with a Nasdaq-listed company, going public this summer—an event sure to be more extravagant than Tartuffe’s confessions. And, as if the world weren’t enough, they’ll be sprinkling some Bitcoin glitter upon firms in Brazil, Thailand, and South Africa. International, n’est-ce pas?

Ah, but lest we forget, Bailey wears yet another plume in his cap as the CEO of BTC Inc., the media maestros.

Meanwhile, the mighty BTC is perched at a prince’s ransom of $100,068, up 3.4% this week. Quick, fetch the fainting couch—one’s portfolio might swoon from all this excitement! 🚀😂

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2025-05-09 01:36