You Won’t Believe How the Senate Made Crypto Drama Funnier Than a Moscow Winter

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In the gray corridors of the Senate, where the clocks tick louder than the chatter of democracy, a gaggle of Democratic senators trampled forth, arduous and determined, as if sent by Fate herself to wrestle fortune from greedy hands.

Jeff Merkley (who smells of Oregon pine) and Chuck Schumer (who, it’s rumored, sweats optimism through his spectacles) have flung the grand End Crypto Corruption Act of 2025 onto the legislative stage with all the grace of a bear slipped on ice. One can only imagine the czarist nostalgia trembling in the air: no president, vice president, cabinet appointee, senator, or freshly-minted nephew shall line their pockets with cryptographic gold or memes—no, not even Dogecoin.

“Any covered individual who knowingly violates section 13152(a) shall be subject to a civil monetary penalty equal to not more than 10% of the value of the financial interest that is the subject of the prohibited conduct, or the amount of financial gain, if any, that the covered individual benefitted from relating to the prohibited conduct, whichever is greater.”

As if reading aloud the bill to a flock of bored starlings, they warned—wait for it—that President Donald Trump’s latest adventures in cryptocurrency might hatch a conflict of interest so feathery, the national nest itself could topple. Ah, America—where the eagle is always keen for a side hustle. 🦅💸

Merkley, stroking his chin as the wise men of old, mused: “Suppose one wishes to court the president’s favor? Simply buy some crypto from his imperial stash. A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wearing a MAGA hat.” A nation, it seems, stands on the precipice, vulnerable to “corrupt scheme” and “eroded trust,” not unlike a samovar leaking tea upon babushka’s tablecloth.

Schumer, striking a pose worthy of Hamlet with a ledger, insists that action is needed to prevent Trump from transforming both the online marketplace and Homeland Security into a giant game of Monopoly, with real estate replaced by pixelated coins and every hotel a 404 error. “Our democracy shouldn’t be for sale,” he famously intoned—though, in America, most things arrive with a price tag and free shipping.

So, let the senators squabble, as they always do—surrounded by bureaucracy, half-empty tea cups, and the ghost of Tolstoy muttering, “At least make it interesting.”

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2025-05-08 22:29