Bored Billionaire Urges Fed To Save America From Economic Doldrums, Chaos Ensues

Picture, if you will, the gloomy study of Mr. Bill Ackman, a financier whose fortunes ebb and flow like the Volga itself. Ackman, clutching a cup of strong coffee (imported, soon to be much pricier), ponders the sluggish pulse of the American economy. He sighs heavily, the kind of sigh only a billionaire can afford.

the CME Group oracles divine a 95.2% chance the Fed will do precisely nothing, at least not this month. The suspense builds, the characters yawn, and the FOMC prepares its grand pronouncement, scheduled for May 7th. Will the curtain rise on relief, or merely another act of economic farce? Stay tuned. 🎭

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2025-05-07 12:27