Crypto Panic! Fed Meeting Could Send Bitcoin Tumbling—Or Rocketing Into Orbit 🚀💸

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What to know:

  • Bitcoin has dropped below $95,000—some would say it tripped, others that it was pushed—thanks to macroeconomic uncertainty and those pesky Federal Reserve tea-leaf readers.
  • Chart-loving analysts have located possible further drop-off cliffs at $92,500 and $89,000. Proceed with snacks and a parachute.
  • Bitcoin ETFs, meanwhile, are gathering money like a very attractive black hole: a net $1.81 billion sucked in last week. Someone out there still believes in magic internet beans!

“Downward!” cried the world’s traders as Bitcoin slid under $95,000 on Monday, with wary eyes now scanning the horizon for a fabled $90,000 (or, for the extra pessimistic, something that rhymes with ‘oh dear’). It’s all thanks to global uncertainty and the ongoing performance art otherwise known as the Federal Reserve meeting.

This dip follows a swift rally in which Bitcoin soared to $98,000, attracting attention from retail investors, institutional investors, and anyone who mistook ‘BTC’ for ‘Bacon Truffle Chips.’ Yet, technicals and macroeconomic currents are now forming a conga line of warnings thicker than a wizard’s beard.

“We’re back at a key resistance zone,” muttered Alex Kuptsikevich of FxPro, no doubt picturing the market as an elaborate dungeon filled with locked doors, anonymous monsters, and mysterious levers.

His prophecy: “Next downside targets: $92,500 and $89,000. A clean break below $90k and traders may consider hiding under their desks until further notice. The 200-day moving average, so beloved by technical analysts, could end up as supportive as a chocolate teapot.”

Elsewhere, traders glance nervously at the U.S.-China tariff chitchat (which influences Bitcoin about as much as a butterfly in Brazil causes rain in Ank-Morpork), and await the Federal Reserve’s next act.

The general expectation: rates will stay as stable as a sleepwalking gargoyle. But, any cryptic remarks or whispered hints about economic projections or interest rate cuts will be pounced on by traders faster than a wizard on a misplaced decimal point.

Singapore’s QCP Capital chimed in—between juggling data, hopes, and bitter post-Liberation Day memories—pointing out that markets had recently rebounded. Still, once the earnings season’s party hats come off, eyes will swivel to the Fed and U.S.–China relations. Oh joy.

Yes, inflation seems to be sitting down for a rest, but new tariffs could prod it back into a jitterbug. The question of the week: will the Federal Reserve dodge the advice of certain ex-presidents and actually do something with interest rates? Place your bets and maybe a small prayer.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin ETFs are enjoying the attention, with $1.81 billion in net inflows last week—proof that someone, somewhere still believes in a happy ending (and is backing that belief with real money).

But the wizards at Glassnode drop a word of caution. They note that long-term Bitcoin holders are staring at nearly 350% in unrealized gains—a number that, historically, prompts them to sell harder than an Ankh-Morpork street vendor peddling dubious sausages.

Historically, LTHs begin distributing more aggressively around a 350% unrealized profit margin (imagine a whole line of people shouting “SELL!” at $99.9k). When this happens, the market needs strong, brave demand to absorb the oncoming avalanche of coins, or things could get messier than a librarian’s bookshelves after a thunderstorm.

— glassnode (@glassnode) May 2, 2025

And just when you thought things couldn’t get odder, meme coin chatter has hit a new high in 2025, according to Santiment. Apparently, when in doubt, trade coins named after dogs, frogs or the collective existential dread of the internet.

One such celebrity-inspired memecoin, ‘GORK’—allegedly tied to an AI chatbot parody that amused even Elon Musk—couldn’t even rise further despite a spotlight brighter than a fake wizard’s staff. Seems not even famous tweets are enough magic in the current market. Perhaps it’s time to return to the old ways: long walks, short trades, and a nice cup of tea.

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2025-05-05 17:30