This Will Break the Internet: Is Bitcoin About to Explode Past Its All-Time High?

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So, Bitcoin’s strutting around above $96,400 and acting like the weirdly hot guy at a party who somehow knows everyone and drinks all your gin. The world’s financial dolphins (aka “indicators”) are leaping, everyone’s buying, and honestly, if Bitcoin doesn’t smash through its all-time high in the next few weeks, I’ll eat my perfectly unseasoned hat. Spoiler: I don’t even own a hat.
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Fear blinds investors—but mostly makes them hilarious

Picture this. It’s March 2024. Everyone’s pretending to “hodl” but actually nervously biting their nails down to stubs. Bitcoin is doing its moody sideways dance for months, which in crypto time is basically centuries. Then there’s that little visit to $49,100—a bottom so local, it should have an organic cafe.

Suddenly, BAM! BTC launches through the bull flag roof, achieving an all-time high of $109,000. Confetti cannon! Punches the air! And then, just as everyone’s writing heartfelt poetry to their crypto bags… it tanks. More than 30%. Down under $74,500. People sobbing in group chats. Emotional support memes everywhere.

The Crypto Fear and Greed Index: 10. The stock market version: 3. Both basically screaming “Abandon ship!” But apparently, everyone’s eyesight is as bad as mine after a night out, because no one could see a way out of the mess. Looming economic disaster, global chaos—and that’s just my inbox.

Meet Bitcoin: Surprisingly attractive in a room full of terrible suitors

Amid all the doomscrolling, if you could zoom out—preferably with a glass of something strong—and glance at the big chart, it was simple. Money printing was always inevitable (because printing money solves everything, ask any politician). And sitting smugly amongst the chaos was Bitcoin, looking like the only lifeboat you might not mind being stranded in with your ex. It really is that simple and, let’s be honest, we all totally missed it.

Look, Bitcoin can’t be manipulated (unlike most of my relationships). Max supply: 21 million. No meddling governments, no third-party nonsense, no waiting 5-7 business days. Magic internet money beamed anywhere, pretty much instantly. You want worldwide transfer at ridiculous scale? Boom. Try doing that with actual dollars or—god forbid—cheques. 😂

Quick game of “Which asset would you rather be stuck on a desert island with?”

Let’s see… Fiat currency? Can be printed into oblivion. Governments fiddling with it, banks closing your account if you so much as sneeze, and your “savings” buying you a banana if you’re lucky. If CBDCs arrive, forget it; you’ll have to ask Siri for permission to buy crisps.

Gold? Opaque central bank stashes, price manipulation, and “flight-to-safety” that requires either a truck or a really understanding friend with a submarine. Try wire transferring a billion dollars in gold to your mate overseas—you’ll need Herculean biceps and a reality TV crew.

Bitcoin bull market: The sequel, and the budget’s even bigger

(Refer to that lovely chart above for the price action since 2021—think Picasso meets finance bro.) Yes, the 2021 bull market fizzled out, possibly due to political pantomimes, but this one? It smells different. Fresher, somehow.

the bull market is alive, chaotic, and probably writing its own screenplay as we speak.

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2025-05-02 13:02