Bitcoin Mania: Why Grandma’s Cat Is Now a Crypto Millionaire 🐱💰

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Rumors swept through the city faster than a telegram at the start of a revolution: Bitcoin, that elusive chimera of the digital Steppe, was pawing its way up the charts again. Even the most respected professors at the Moscow Institute of Sorcery and Market Dynamics, generally a morose bunch, had dusted off their crystal balls and replaced their vodka with kombucha in anticipation.

What’s Bubbling in the Cauldron of Crypto Enthusiasm?

At the heart of this feverish spectacle, Bitcoin, the extravagant baron of volatile assets, was flirting shamelessly with new highs. Meanwhile, our enigmatic friend Kyle Doops, a man who can read blockchains like a fortune-teller reads tea leaves—or at least pretends to—stood atop his balcony, announcing to passing pigeons and bystanders: “87.3% of supply is now drowning in profit!” With each upward tick, the congregation of Bitcoin holders grew more euphoric, salivating at the prospect of an imminent golden age where, allegedly, the only thing more bullish than BTC is the mustache on the face of General Secretary Satoshi.

Who can forget the days of March, when only 82.7% could say they were in the green? Ancient history now, dear reader, as forgotten as your New Year resolutions.

What does this mean? For one, about 5% of Bitcoin’s supply slipped into the hands of cunning initiates buying the digital ruble at bargain prices. These mysterious characters are assumed to dwell somewhere between Paranoia and Eternal Optimism, accumulating coins like Bulgakov’s Professor Woland accumulated fans—subtly, with a suspicious grin.

Will Bitcoin continue its parabolic masquerade? If the charts are to be believed—and who exactly believes them these days?—profitability metrics breaching the fabled 90% mark may well herald a new era where euphoria reigns, and rational thought is banished from the land.

First Buyers, Momentum, and Other Tricksters

But wait, a twist! As per the clairvoyants at Glassnode, even as the price of Bitcoin pirouettes upwards, those with a penchant for profit-taking linger at the buffet’s edge, plates still empty, eyes darting. First-time and momentum buyers, meanwhile, have thrown themselves headlong into the fray, presumably armed with only a vague understanding of private keys and an unwavering faith in magic internet money.

This odd tableau, say the soothsayers, is apparently good news—if you enjoy markets untethered by restraint or logic. The newcomers’ fervor for digital coinery is matched only by their disinterest in distribution, ensuring the current rally strides forward like a steed in the Moscow moonlight.

Hope, greed, and speculation intermingle as Bitcoin trades at $94,903—give or take an emergency government decree. Volume, that eternal harbinger of mania, has surged nearly 76% in a single day. Investors, like Muscovites at a fresh bread delivery, jostle for a scrap of the action, hopeful that next week’s profits taste even sweeter.

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2025-04-29 21:43