Crypto-Loving Billionaire’s Husband Takes SEC Throne: Wall Street’s New BFF? 🤑

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Tuesday, April 9, 2025

Weight: 165 lbs (v.g.)
Crypto Portfolio: 6 million USD (outstanding)
Calories: 2200
Votes in favor: 52 (decent)
Times delayed due to being married to billionaire: 3 (could be worse)

9:30 AM: Gaaaaah! 🎉 Big news in Washington today as Paul Atkins (v. sophisticated, former Wall Street chap) gets confirmed as new SEC boss. Rather like when Daniel Cleaver got promoted at work, except with more Bitcoin and less inappropriate office flirting.

11:45 AM: Have just realized new SEC chair is married to billionaire. V.v. unfair. Must investigate how to marry billionaire immediately. 🤔

2:15 PM: Senator Lummis (nice woman, bit obsessed with blockchain) tweeting support like proud mummy at school play. V. touching really. 🥹

4:30 PM: Apparently Atkins used to be SEC commissioner (2002-2008). Also founded something called Patomak (sounds like stomach medicine) and led Token Alliance (not the chocolate kind, sadly 😔).

6:00 PM: Trump (still orange) seems chuffed about whole thing. Has already started Crypto Task Force, which sounds terribly important but probably just means more men in suits talking about computers.

7:30 PM: Minor detail about $6M in crypto investments. Would be concerned but too busy calculating how many Chardonnay bottles that could buy. 🍷

Resolution for tomorrow:
– Figure out what SEC actually does
– Stop googling “how to marry billionaire”
– Maybe invest in crypto (after wine wearing off)
– Remember to congratulate Atkins (if can find his email without looking suspicious)

Tim Scott says Atkins will promote innovation. V. nice. Though personally would prefer if he promoted chocolate-based cryptocurrencies. 🍫

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2025-04-10 09:11