Oh, hey there! Did someone say dramatic geopolitical shifts? Because nothing says “stability” like a tweet from a former president who still thinks the internet is a place to host a reality show. Bitcoin’s price is currently doing the cha-cha in your face, hitting $77k after Donald Trump Sr. declared Iran’s Strait of Hormuz is “fully open.” Spoiler: It was open all along. Surprise!
Oil, meanwhile, is playing the emotional support barrel we never asked for. USOIL just hit a five-week low under $80/bbl, probably because it forgot how to be relevant in the age of crypto bros and TikTok trends. But hey, at least it got a tiny confidence boost by the time the presses rolled in.
“IRAN HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THE STRAIT OF IRAN IS FULLY OPEN AND READY FOR FULL PASSAGE. THANK YOU!” – said the man who once called the Strait of Hormuz “a very nice strait.” (Truth Social: Where geopolitics meets a filter that’s 90% nostalgia.)
The Middle East peace talks? Oh, they “failed” last Saturday. But let’s be real, they were just taking a break to negotiate better terms for their next reality TV spin-off. The two-week ceasefire is now the most exciting part of the news cycle, like a Netflix series that’s just good enough to binge but not good enough to win any awards.
Bitcoin, ever the drama queen, responded to Trump’s tweet with a price pump so aggressive it made Elon Musk side-eye his own tweets. Last seen at $77k, same price as February-because nothing says “trust me” like a crypto rally that ignores the laws of gravity and basic math.
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2026-04-17 16:25