Trump’s Bitcoin Reserve: A Phantom Treasury or Cramer’s Comedy?

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News Analysis

What to know, dear reader, if you dare to venture into this absurdity:

  • Ah, the great Bitcoin slide! A drama so perplexing, it would make even the noses of Gogol’s characters twitch with curiosity. CNBC’s Jim Cramer, that modern-day soothsayer, whispered a rumor that President Donald Trump would swoop in like a crypto-savior if Bitcoin dared to dip to $60,000. A noble gesture, no? Alas, the reserve he speaks of exists only in the realm of imagination, much like the nose of Major Kovalyov.
  • The situation, my dear reader, is as follows: this reserve has not been established, and Congress, that labyrinth of bureaucracy, must first give its nod. A tall order, indeed, for a body that moves slower than a tortoise in a dream.
  • Trump’s minions, ever the pragmatists, have declared that taxpayer funds shall not be squandered on such digital whims. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, with a shrug worthy of Akaky Akakievich, proclaimed he has no authority to bail out Bitcoin. A tragic hero, is he not?

President Trump’s Bitcoin reserve, like a ghost at a masquerade, does not yet exist. There is no magical button for the federal government to press and fill its coffers with crypto. Keep this in mind, dear reader, as you navigate the weekend’s speculation, fueled by Cramer’s wild imaginings. There is no such button, only the echo of his words in the void.

The president, in his wisdom, did decree a “strategic reserve” for Bitcoin, but decrees, alas, do not conjure reality. The Treasury Department and crypto advisers spent months auditing federal holdings, yet the number remains as elusive as Chichikov’s souls. The process, of course, hit a snag: Congress must establish the stockpile under law. A simple task, no? Yet, it remains undone, lost in the quagmire of legislation.

The crypto sector’s new U.S. law for stablecoin issuers ignored this reserve, as did the grand crypto market structure bill now languishing in the Senate. Passing legislation through this Congress is like herding cats-a futile endeavor. Lobbyists, ever busy, focus on market regulations and tax rules, while the reserve lingers in the shadows, a forgotten priority.

When Cramer proclaimed on-air, “I heard at 60 he’s going to fill the bitcoin reserve,” the crypto markets perked up like a dog hearing its dinner bell. Bitcoin, the struggling asset, dipped to $62,840 and hovered near $70,000. If the U.S. government were to swoop in at $60,000, it would be a spectacle indeed! But the rumor, alas, is as substantial as a shadow on a sunny day. The federal fund remains untouched, a silent observer in this farce.

Trump’s executive order, issued last year, awaits fulfillment. It carefully rejected the idea of using taxpayer money to buy crypto, much to the industry’s dismay. Instead, it directed the administration to hoard seized assets for the future reserve. A noble plan, but one that relies on the whims of civil and criminal cases. The White House, when asked for comment, remained silent, as mysterious as a Gogol protagonist.

The government’s current Bitcoin holdings may hover around $23 billion, according to Arkham Intelligence. A tidy sum, no? Yet, no mechanism exists for wholesale purchases. Some ideas have been floated by Trump’s advisers and lawmakers like Senator Cynthia Lummis, but solutions remain as distant as the moon. Lummis’ legislative efforts have stalled, and her Senate tenure dwindles like a candle in the wind.

During Congressional hearings, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent was asked if the government could bail out Bitcoin. His response? A firm “no.” He cannot order bankers to buy crypto, he said, with the finality of a closed door. For now, the industry may look to states for salvation. Several state governments have pursued Bitcoin reserve authorities with more success, nimble in their digital ambitions.

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2026-02-09 21:48