Zombie Saylor Survives Epstein Files: Bitcoin Saves the Day?

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Well, well, well. Looks like Michael Saylor’s social calendar just got a posthumous audit, and the results are as thrilling as a root canal. Turns out, the man who’d rather talk Bitcoin than breathe was once spotted at a $25,000 charity dinner hosted by Jeffrey Epstein’s orbit. Scandalous? Hardly. Unless you consider being called a “drugged zombie” by a publicist the height of drama.

  • Saylor attended a $25k charity dinner, where his charisma apparently rivaled that of a damp towel.
  • Social media had a field day, but crypto bros spun it as proof he’s too boring to be corrupt.
  • MSTR’s stock still dances to Bitcoin’s tune, because apparently, zombies don’t care about scandals.

So, Michael Saylor’s name popped up in the Epstein files, and the world collectively shrugged. Sure, Peggy Siegal called him a “drugged zombie” with the personality of a paperclip, but let’s be honest-that’s not exactly a revelation. The man’s idea of a wild night is probably watching the Bitcoin price chart flicker. No island trips, no criminal allegations, just a guy who paid $25,000 to be ignored at a dinner party. Truly, the American dream.

What the Epstein Files Actually Say

In a 2010 email, Peggy Siegal-a publicist with a flair for the dramatic-described Saylor as “quite the character,” which is publicist-speak for “I’d rather chew glass than talk to this man again.” She noted he had “no personality” and was “like a drugged zombie,” which, let’s face it, is just a fancy way of saying he’s a Bitcoin maximalist. Another guest confirmed he was “impossible to talk to,” which is rich coming from people at an Epstein-adjacent event. The files place Saylor at a charity dinner but mercifully spare him from any allegations of wrongdoing, crypto-related or otherwise.

On X (formerly Twitter, because why not?), the reaction was as predictable as a Bitcoin price swing. Autism Capital quipped that Saylor was “saved by his autism,” which is both insensitive and oddly flattering in this bizarre context. Another user called it “the best publicity of all time,” because apparently, being too dull to blackmail is the ultimate flex in 2026.

Michael Saylor got cooked by Epstein’s publicist Peggy Siegel who basically said

“He’s so creepy I don’t even know if I can take his money I don’t even know how to blackmail him he has no personality and doesn’t understand social behavior.”

Michael Saylor was saved by his…

– Autism Capital 🧩 (@AutismCapital) January 31, 2026

How MSTR Traded Into the Weekend

Let’s be clear: MSTR is to Bitcoin what a leash is to a hyperactive dog. The company holds 712,647 BTC, purchased at an average price of $66,385 per coin, which is either genius or madness, depending on who you ask. Heading into the weekend, MSTR closed at $149.71, up 4.55% on the day but still flirting with the bottom of its 30-day range. The Epstein headlines were like a fart in a hurricane-noticeable but ultimately irrelevant compared to Bitcoin’s wild ride.

Bitcoin itself was down 1.9% over 24 hours, Ethereum took a 7.1% nosedive, and Solana hovered around $100 like a forgotten houseplant. MSTR, ever the loyal Bitcoin proxy, followed suit, proving once again that its fate is tied to BTC, not Saylor’s social awkwardness.

Narrative vs. Pricing

Here’s the kicker: for crypto bros, Saylor’s zombie-like demeanor isn’t a bug-it’s a feature. Siegal’s complaint that she didn’t “even know how to blackmail him” has been reframed as a badge of honor. “Incorruptible” is the new “boring,” and MSTR’s weekend performance reflected that. Equity markets saw a noisy headline; crypto markets saw a man too dull to be dangerous. For now, Saylor remains a levered BTC maxi, not the next Epstein sidekick. Which, frankly, is the least surprising plot twist of the decade.

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2026-02-02 16:41