🤑 Crypto Scandals & Billionaire Blunders: A Weekly Recap 🕵️‍♀️

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Dearest reader, in this most diverting edition of our weekly recap, we find ourselves amidst a tempest of financial intrigue and regulatory meddling. While the good people of the UK are pursued by tax authorities with the zeal of a matchmaking mama, the Trump family has, quite astonishingly, amassed over a billion pounds in cryptocurrency profits. One can only wonder if such fortunes are the result of shrewdness or mere happenstance. 🧐

  • The UK tax authority, with all the subtlety of a poorly timed proposal, targets 65,000 investors; the Trump family, meanwhile, revels in their £1 billion crypto windfall. 💰
  • Ripple, ever the ambitious suitor, acquires GTreasury for £1 billion; Binance, not to be outdone, secures approval in Korea with its GOPAX dalliance.
  • Paxos, in a most unfortunate mishap, mints £300 trillion in error, only to burn it with the haste of a spurned lover; Japan, ever prudent, plans to ban insider trading in crypto. 🕵️‍♂️

British tax authority escalates crypto enforcement

  • HM Revenue & Customs, with the tenacity of a determined aunt, has dispatched 65,000 letters to cryptocurrency investors suspected of unpaid tax obligations, as reported by the Financial Times.
  • Come January 2026, HMRC shall receive comprehensive user data from exchanges, thanks to the Crypto-Assets Reporting Framework, adopted by some 70 jurisdictions, including the esteemed OECD members. 📜

OpenSea announces first quarter 2026 token launch

  • CEO Devin Finzer, with the air of a generous patron, revealed that the NFT marketplace will introduce its SEA token in Q1 2026, allocating half the total supply to community members. A most noble gesture, indeed! 🌊
  • Significant portions shall be distributed through initial claims, with special consideration for users of historical platform activity and rewards program participants. How thoughtful! 🎁

MrBeast files cryptocurrency service trademark

  • YouTube star James Donaldson, with the ambition of a young gentleman seeking his fortune, has submitted trademark applications for MrBeast Financial. This covers downloadable applications for cryptocurrency exchange and payment processing services. Quite the venture! 📱
  • The filing includes investment banking, insurance, financial education, microfinance lending, and decentralized exchange cryptocurrency trading capabilities. A veritable smorgasbord of financial services! 🏦
  • This move comes after Strategy founder Michael Saylor advised Donaldson to buy bitcoin. One wonders if he heeded the advice with the same fervor as a lover receiving a billet-doux. 💌

Swiss authorities investigate FIFA blockchain

  • Gespa, Switzerland’s lottery and gambling regulator, has filed criminal complaints regarding FIFA Collect, the soccer organization’s blockchain collectibles platform. A most unsportsmanlike conduct, indeed! ⚽
  • The authority initiated preliminary investigations in early October, targeting the platform’s offerings. One can only imagine the scandal brewing! 🕵️‍♀️

South Korean regulators approve Binance GOPAX acquisition

  • The Financial Intelligence Unit, with the air of a benevolent chaperone, has authorized Binance’s majority stake purchase of GOPAX.
  • This approval allows Binance to assume majority control, resume Korean operations, fulfill user repayment commitments, and compete with established local exchanges. A most strategic union! 💍

Trump family cryptocurrency profits exceed a billion dollars

  • Eric Trump, with the pride of a peacock, confirmed that the family’s cryptocurrency ventures have generated over £1 billion in pre-tax profits. A sum that would make even the most affluent heiress blush! 💸
  • President Donald Trump’s return to the White House coincided with substantial growth in family-affiliated cryptocurrency business valuations and revenues. A most fortuitous timing, one must admit! 🏛️

Ripple acquires treasury management firm

  • Ripple, ever the acquisitive suitor, purchased GTreasury for £1 billion on Thursday. Their third major acquisition this year, adding corporate treasury management capabilities. A most impressive portfolio! 📈

Chainlink deploys real-time oracle on MegaETH

  • The companies announced, with great fanfare, the first native real-time on-chain oracle hosted on MegaETH’s “real-time” Ethereum layer-2 network. A technical marvel, indeed! 🚀
  • This deployment aims to allow perpetuals, prediction markets, and stablecoins to update at speeds matching centralized venues while maintaining full on-chain composability. Quite the feat! 🔗

Kraken acquires U.S. derivatives platform

  • The exchange, with the cunning of a seasoned bargainer, purchased the Small Exchange from IG Group for £100 million, comprising £32.5 million in cash and £67.5 million in stock.
  • The acquisition provides Kraken with designated contract market status in the U.S. through Small Exchange’s CFTC licensing. A most strategic move! 🦑

Australia considers crypto ATM restrictions

  • Home Affairs Minister Tony Burke, with the gravity of a concerned parent, proposed granting AUSTRAC expanded powers to regulate cryptocurrency ATMs following government findings regarding misuse.
  • The Thursday announcement targets “high-risk products” including crypto ATMs through improved anti-money laundering authority oversight. A necessary precaution, one supposes! 🚨

Paxos resolves massive minting error

  • The stablecoin issuer, in a most unfortunate mishap, experienced a technical malfunction on Wednesday at 3:12 p.m. ET that minted 300 trillion PayPal USD tokens. A blunder of epic proportions! 😱
  • Paxos resolved the incident within 30 minutes by burning the incorrectly issued tokens, preventing market impact. A swift recovery, indeed! 🔥

Japan prepares insider trading restrictions

  • The Financial Services Agency, with the rigor of a strict governess, plans amendments explicitly prohibiting cryptocurrency trades based on non-public information.
  • The changes would authorize the Securities and Exchange Surveillance Commission to investigate suspected cases and recommend surcharges or criminal referrals. A stern warning, indeed! ⚖️

New York establishes digital assets office

  • Mayor Eric Adams, with the vision of a forward-thinking patron, signed an executive order creating “the first-ever mayoral office of its kind in the nation” focused on digital assets and blockchain.
  • Moises Rendon, who has worked on city digital asset initiatives for over a year, will lead the office promoting responsible technology usage. A most commendable endeavor! 🏙️

Tether settles Celsius bankruptcy claims

  • The stablecoin issuer, with the air of a conciliatory gentleman, paid £299.5 million to resolve claims from the Celsius Network bankruptcy estate through the Blockchain Recovery Investment Consortium.
  • The settlement resolves adversary proceedings filed in August 2024 in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Southern District of New York. A most satisfactory resolution! 📝

Monad opens token allocation checker

  • The upcoming layer-1 blockchain network, with the anticipation of a debutante at her first ball, revealed additional MON token airdrop details on Tuesday.
  • Qualified users may view allocations as early as October 28, with claims remaining open until November 3 before token distribution becomes available. Mark your calendars, dear readers! 📅

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2025-10-19 15:38